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Larry David Quotes
Funny Quotes by Larry David

Let these funny Larry David Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
- Larry David

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley


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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous


 

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde

A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono

I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

It is far better to be alone,
than to be in bad company.
- George Washington PHOTO

A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh) PHOTO

Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Money can't buy friends
but it can get you a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.
- Margaret Mead

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy

I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson

The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson

Distance cannot matter - ours is a friendship of the heart.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

The true meaning of life is to plant trees,
under whose shade you do not expect to sit.
- Nelson Henderson

Do you feel stuck?
Whether in a project, a job, a relationship,
or some other situation,
there is a time for perseverance,
and a time for letting go and moving on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Every child comes with the message
that God is not yet discouraged of man.
- Rabindranath Tagore

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple:
you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities
but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- Quentin Crisp

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother.
- Roe Fulkerson

The ache for home lives in all of us,
the safe place where we can
go as we are and not be questioned.
- Maya Angelou

Nothing you do for a child is ever wasted.
- Garrison Keillor

A person isn't who they are during
the last conversation you had with them -
they're who they've been
throughout your whole relationship.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Suspicion and jealousy are the death knell of any relationship.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A friend is someone who knows all about you,
and loves you just the same.
- Elbert Hubbard

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- George Bernard Shaw

Let parents bequeath to their children
not riches, but the spirit of reverence.
- Plato

Mother is the name for God
in the lips and hearts of little children.
- William Makepeace Thackeray

Best Friends: we're a parade - even by ourselves!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child.
- Anonymous (often attributed to Abraham Lincoln)

Friendship is born at that moment
when one person says to another,
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C. S. Lewis

Love me when I least deserve it,
because that's when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb

It is the friends you can call up at 4 A.M. that matter.
- Marlene Dietrich

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation.
- Dale Carnegie

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden.
- Anonymous

To the people who love you,
you are beautiful already.
This is not because they're
blind to your shortcomings
but because they so clearly see your soul.
- Victoria Moran

I have lost my seven best friends,
which is to say that God has had mercy on me
seven times without realizing it.
He lent a friendship, took it from me, and sent me another.
- Jean Cocteau

True friendship is like sound health;
the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
- Charles Caleb Colton

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied
by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship.
- Iris Murdoch

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness;
however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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