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Let these funny Garrison Keillor Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Nothing you do for a child is ever wasted.
- Garrison Keillor
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
We have nearly complete misunderstanding between
people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon,
and that's probably one reason why we get along so very well.
It's when you are trying to convince another person to think
the same way that you do that there is
friction and trouble between people.
But when you feel that the other person is
dumber than dirt, too dumb for words -
why waste your breath - you get along pretty well.
There's no bond between people that's quite so strong as
when people each feel slightly superior towards the other one.
- Garrison Keillor
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Thank you, God, for this good life
and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
- Garrison Keillor
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
You may call God love, you may call God goodness.
But the best name for God is compassion.
- Meister Eckhart 
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
God is at play,
I am his modeling clay.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire
We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins
God doesn't make junk.
- Anonymous
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
I tremble for my country when I reflect that God
is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.
- Thomas Jefferson
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
- John Lennon
I don't doubt God. I have firm faith absolutely in God.
It's religion I'm doubting.
- Bono
God has cared for these trees,
saved them from drought, disease, avalanches,
and a thousand tempests and floods.
But he cannot save them from fools.
- John Muir
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
What does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
- the movie Simon Birch (1998)
We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
God Loves an Open Mind, Clean Hands, and a Loving Heart.
So does Your Mother.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste
the sky as well as the earth.
- Henry David Thoreau
I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
- Stephen Roberts
To know God, watch a butterfly return to the same tree -
after a year and a thousand miles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
From the solemn gloom of the temple
children run out to sit in the dust,
God watches them play and forgets the priest.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Talent is God-given; be humble.
Fame is man-given; be thankful.
Conceit is self-given; be careful.
- John Wooden
Mother is the name for God
in the lips and hearts of little children.
- William Makepeace Thackeray
When the vast cathedral of our being
becomes a sanctuary for all creation,
we become the face of God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)
I cannot persuade myself that a
beneficent and omnipotent God
would have designedly created parasitic wasps
with the express intention of their feeding
within the living bodies of caterpillars.
- Charles Darwin
Every child comes with the message
that God is not yet discouraged of man.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Give thanks for the rainbows, for the butterflies,
for all God's creatures - large and small,
for the bright blue sky and the soft fog and the gentle rain,
for the tree veiled in the season's first frost,
for the baby's laugh, for the touch of a hand
and the whispered "I love you."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Stupidity is also a gift of God,
but one mustn't misuse it.
- Pope John Paul II
There are people in the world so hungry,
that God cannot appear to them
except in the form of bread.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I have lost my seven best friends,
which is to say that God has had mercy on me
seven times without realizing it.
He lent a friendship, took it from me, and sent me another.
- Jean Cocteau
Because we believe that our ethnic group,
our society, our political party, our God,
is better than your God, we kill each other.
- Neale Donald Walsch
Infinite striving to be the best is man's duty;
it is its own reward.
Everything else is in God's hands.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
In great contests, each party claims to act
in accordance with the will of God.
Both may be, and one must be wrong.
- Abraham Lincoln
God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.
- William Shakespeare
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need
but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
- 1 John 3:17
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy
is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet,
alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.
- Anne Frank
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
to reconcile himself to the idea that
after all God will not help him
- H. L. Mencken
Each one prays to God according to his own light.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Look now into the still waters
of the reflecting pool
and behold the face of God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
What you are is God's gift to you:
what you become is your gift to god.
- Anthony Dalla Villa
Nature is my manifestation of God.
I go to nature every day for inspiration in the day's work.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes
the objects of his creation
and is but a reflection of human frailty.
- Albert Einstein
Without music, life would be a mistake...
I would only believe in a God who knew how to dance.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
We can stand affliction better than we can prosperity,
for in prosperity we forget God.
- Dwight L. Moody
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
God doesn't require us to succeed;
He only requires that you try.
- Mother Teresa
Optimism is the harmony between man's spirit
and of God pronouncing His works good.
- Helen Keller
We are most like God when we forgive.
- Anonymous
God is a verb, not a noun.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
God always takes the simplest way.
- Albert Einstein
Whenever I look in the mirror,
I say to myself: "That Is The Face Of God."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A vow is a purely religious act
which cannot be taken in a fit of passion.
It can be taken only with a mind purified
and composed and with God as witness.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
If God is just, I tremble for my country.
- Thomas Jefferson
My religion is based on truth and non-violence.
Truth is my God. Non-violence is the means of realizing Him.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
You cannot divorce religious belief and public service.
I've never detected any conflict between
God's will and my political duty.
If you violate one, you violate the other.
- Jimmy Carter
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.
- Jewish Proverb
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.