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Let these funny Charles M. Schwab Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
A man can succeed at almost anything
for which he has unlimited enthusiasm.
- Charles M. Schwab
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields 
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
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Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.