Facebook share Tweet This Email this
Let these funny Apple Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Not all Heroes wear capes.
- On an Apple Inc. "Genius Bar" T-shirt
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
It is only the poor who pay cash,
and that not from virtue,
but because they are refused credit.
- Anatole France
The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty
Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom,
but Babbling is ever a folly.
- Benjamin Franklin
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
Thank you for visiting: Apple Quotes - Funny Quotes by Apple.
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.