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Let these funny Alan Watts Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them.
- Alan Watts
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra
A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom,
but Babbling is ever a folly.
- Benjamin Franklin
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch
We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.