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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (6)
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin
Related topics: Cynical
The ad agency's name for Hell is "Las Vegas."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
We are all worms. But I believe that I am a glow-worm.
- Winston Churchill
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
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Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
- Albert Schweitzer
A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning
I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students,
and turns them into prunes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
- Albert Einstein
Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain
You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong
Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole.
- John F. Kennedy
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to
criticize or attack the government of my own country.
I make up for lost time when I come home.
- Winston Churchill
It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous
In war, you can only be killed once,
but in politics, many times.
- Winston Churchill
The light at the end of the tunnel
may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous
It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down
rat holes with baited breath.
- W. C. Fields
Some days just go to Hell faster than others.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
This report, by its very length, defends itself
against the risk of being read.
- Winston Churchill
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Marilyn Monroe
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
- John Lennon
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
Whenever I find the key to success,
someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
He has all of the virtues I dislike,
and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain
Getting fired is nature's way to telling you
that you had the wrong job in the first place.
- Hal Lancaster
We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain
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