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Let these funny Upward Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Man's task is to become conscious of the contents
that press upward from the unconscious.
- Carl Jung
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
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In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.