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Let these funny Ups Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Unlike grown-ups, children have little need to deceive themselves.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel 
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
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New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
Life is like a roller coaster - scream Whee... on the way down,
and let the momentum carry you back up the next hill.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Lighten up, have a rainbows and butterflies kind of day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
This being grown up isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy
If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early.
- Charles Lamb
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
I always seem to get inspiration and renewed vitality
by contact with this great novel land of yours
which sticks up out of the Atlantic.
- Winston Churchill
I am fond of pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Twinkle, twinkle little bat
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
- Lewis Carroll
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin
I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams
As the evening beckons with the promise of tomorrow...
may your gratitude rise up and with strength answer, "yes."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
If it's Right, stand up for it - together.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott
The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is the friends you can call up at 4 A.M. that matter.
- Marlene Dietrich
One of the annoying things about believing in free will
and individual responsibility is the difficulty
of finding somebody to blame your problems on.
And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable
how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
- P. J. O'Rourke
"Hurry up" ranks right up there with "you need to"
as a destroyer of our humanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up
in our politics and say definite things which mean something,
or whether we shall always go on using generalities
to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion
will legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power to do so,
and will follow it by suppressing opposition,
subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young,
and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics.
- Robert Heinlein
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
Revenge... is like a rolling stone,
which, when a man hath forced up a hill,
will return upon him with a greater violence,
and break those bones whose sinews gave it motion.
- Albert Schweitzer
Good manners sometimes means simply
putting up with other people's bad manners.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.
- John D. Rockefeller
Better learn balance. Balance is key.
Balance good, karate good. Everything good.
Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid
None of us got where we are solely by
pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.
- Thurgood Marshall
Most truths are so naked
that people feel sorry for them
and cover them up,
at least a little bit.
- Edward R. Murrow
I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear
to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.
- Sylvester Stallone
I won't give up 'til goats sing and walruses fly.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
No amount of self-improvement can make up
for a lack of self-acceptance.
- Anonymous
IF it is to be, it is up to me.
- Anonymous
Never say goodbye when you still want to try,
never give up when you still feel you can't take it.
Never say you don't love the person anymore
when you can't let go.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.