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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Ulcer Quotes
Funny Quotes about Ulcer

Let these funny Ulcer Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Envy is the ulcer of the soul.
- Socrates

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous


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A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck


 

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance
and hypocritical humility.
I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson

There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell

The universe we observe has precisely
the properties we should expect
if there is, at bottom, no design,
no purpose, no evil, no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
- Charles Darwin

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain

It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln

Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden

Less is only more where more is no good.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

Experience keeps a dear school,
but fools will learn in no other.
- Benjamin Franklin

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,
for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Albert Einstein

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

There is no such thing as public opinion.
There is only published opinion.
- Winston Churchill

It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.
- Helen Keller

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it,
or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense.
- The Buddha

I leave no trace of wings in the air,
but I am glad I have had my flight.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Do not let Sunday be taken from you.
If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.
- Albert Schweitzer

Take your life in your own hands, and what happens?
A terrible thing: no one to blame.
- Erica Jong

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant.
If we did not sometimes taste of adversity,
prosperity would not be so welcome.
- Anne Bradstreet

A good traveler has no fixed plans,
and is not intent on arriving.
- Lao Tzu

Mind Chatter...
"I'm too fat; I'm too thin; and my hair is a fright;
And I'm never enough; and my world is not right;
I'm not smart; I'm not cute; I'm not strong; I'm a bust
I earn scorn; I earn hate; I'm no good; I disgust."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Where there is shouting, there is no true knowledge.
- Leonardo da Vinci

He who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead;
his eyes are closed.
- Albert Einstein

Since boredom advances and boredom is the root of all evil,
no wonder, then, that the world goes backwards, that evil spreads.
This can be traced back to the very beginning of the world.
The gods were bored; therefore they created human beings.
- Soren Kierkegaard


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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