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Let these funny Tortoise Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
There is a fine line between
the perseverance of the courageous tortoise
and the habit of the stubborn donkey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
There's a fine line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
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The key to success, and to happiness,
is being fully engaged in life -
leading yourself with inspiration and committed action -
setting your own fine and honorable example.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's fine to celebrate success
but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.
- Bill Gates
Reading about nature is fine, but if a person
walks in the woods and listens carefully,
he can learn more than what is in books,
for they speak with the voice of God.
- George Washington Carver
The best effort of a fine person
is felt after we have left their presence.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is a fine thing to be honest,
but it is also very important to be right.
- Winston Churchill
Don't take rejection personally.
Don't let someone else's bad day spoil your day.
As long as you never reject yourself, you'll be fine.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Could you risk believing that everything
will unfold just fine if you completely let go
of all concern about everything else,
and simply are here, now - if only for a moment?
- Dmitri Bilgere
Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend,
but it requires a very fine nature
to sympathize with a friend's success.
- Oscar Wilde
What's the use of a fine house if you haven't got
a tolerable planet to put it on?
- Henry David Thoreau
Spirit is always waiting to rush into us,
but we are too full of worldly things.
It is like trying to pour fine wine into a cup filled with mud -
the wine is waiting, but the mud must be removed first.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There is a fine line between perseverance and insanity.
At what point have you tried your best,
and it's time to do something different?
It's a balance - a paradox.
If you get in the habit of giving up
as soon as something gets difficult,
your life won't work,
but if you keep tilting at windmills -
madly trying the same thing again and again,
your life also won't work.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I am the Wizard. This world is mine.
I speak. It's done. My realm is fine.
My wand, my tongue. My sword, my voice.
It's good. It's bad. I speak my choice.
I say happy, or I say mad.
I say angry, or I say glad.
I name that drawing on the wall.
It's not graffiti after all.
The past has been broken. The prison's not real.
My word holds the magic - the power to heal.
Intent is my weapon - a sword from above.
Cruel hate, fear, and anger transmute into love.
This world's my joy. This mouth's my toy.
Reborn -I'm a brand new girl or boy.
I choose. I speak. My will is done.
Come join. Come play. This can be fun.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life repeats itself mindlessly -
unless you become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel.
That's why Buddhists call it the wheel of life and death,
the wheel of time.
It moves like a wheel: birth is followed by death,
death is followed by birth;
love is followed by hate, hate is followed by love;
success is followed by failure,
failure is followed by success. Just see!
If you can watch just for a few days,
you will see a pattern emerging, a wheel pattern.
One day, a fine morning, you are feeling so good and so happy,
and another day you are so dull,
so dead that you start thinking of committing suicide.
And just the other day you were so full of life,
so blissful that you were feeling thankful to God,
that you were in a mood of deep gratefulness,
and today there is great complaint
and you don't see the point why one should go on living...
And it goes on and on, but you don't see the pattern.
Once you see the pattern, you can get out of it.
- Osho
Fine manners need the support of fine manners in others.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
All fine architectural values are human values, else not valuable.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.