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Let these funny Theologians Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
I do not believe in the God of the theologians;
but that there is a Supreme Intelligence I do not doubt.
- Thomas Edison
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
The African is my brother but he is
my younger brother by several centuries.
- Albert Schweitzer
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I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket
A lot of presidential memoirs, they say, are dull and self-serving.
I hope mine is interesting and self-serving.
- William J. Clinton
It is an interesting question how far men
would retain their relative rank
if they were divested of their clothes.
- Henry David Thoreau
Success is never so interesting as struggle
- Willa Cather
The most interesting information comes from children,
for they tell all they know and then stop.
- Mark Twain
The only interesting answers are those that destroy the questions.
- Susan Sontag
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
Sometimes you get the results you wanted,
sometimes you don't.
What matters is that you did your best.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Today is the right day to do
what you have long wanted to do.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Some people wanted champagne and caviar
when they should have had beer and hot dogs.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
A somebody was once a nobody who wanted to and did.
- John Burroughs
In all our contacts, it is probably the sense
of being really needed and wanted
which gives us the greatest satisfaction
and creates the most lasting bond.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
In my prayers I never said I needed a home.
I said I wanted a sanctuary.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Even the rich are hungry for love,
for being cared for, for being wanted,
for having someone to call their own.
- Mother Teresa
I wanted to know the name of every stone
and flower and insect and bird and beast.
I wanted to know where it got its color, where it got its life -
but there was no one to tell me.
- George Washington Carver
I wanted to be a doctor that I might be able to work
without having to talk
because for years I had been giving myself out in words.
- Albert Schweitzer
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill
I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Thinking is what most people resort to after all else fails.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov
After the first blush of sin, comes its indifference.
- Henry David Thoreau
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely
only after they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)
I always avoid prophesying beforehand,
because it is a much better policy to prophesy
after the event has already taken place.
- Winston Churchill
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare
To know God, watch a butterfly return to the same tree -
after a year and a thousand miles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton
My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite
smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol
before, after and if need be during all meals
and in the intervals between them.
- Winston Churchill
Youth, large, lusty, loving -
Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.
Do you know that Old Age may come after you
with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman
Naturally, the common people don't want war ...
but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy,
and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along,
whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought
to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism
and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in every country.
- Hermann Goering
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
to reconcile himself to the idea that
after all God will not help him
- H. L. Mencken
How you respond to the challenge in the second half
will determine what you become after the game,
whether you are a winner or a loser.
- Lou Holtz
The best effort of a fine person
is felt after we have left their presence.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are two things to aim at in life:
first, to get what you want,
and after that to to enjoy it.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
After climbing a great hill,
one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
- Nelson Mandela
Wealth, like happiness, is never attained when sought after directly.
It comes as a by-product of providing a useful service.
- Henry Ford
Education is what remains after one has forgotten
what one has learned in school.
- Albert Einstein
Be an opener of doors for such as come after thee.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder
and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God.
- Jim Elliot
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing -
after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill
My reaction to porno films is as follows; After the first ten minutes,
I want to go home and screw; After the first twenty minutes,
I never want to screw again as long as I live
- Erica Jong
You can not find happiness by chasing after it.
Happiness comes from doing what you love to do,
and from being who you truly are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When people speak to you about a preventive war,
you tell them to go fight it.
After my experience, I have come to hate war.
War settles nothing.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Reading, after a certain age,
diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits.
Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little
falls into lazy habits of thinking.
- Albert Einstein
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
- John Wooden
Success seems to be largely a matter
of hanging on after others have let go.
- William Feather
I look for what needs to be done.
After all, that's how the universe designs itself.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
My biggest dream is that my words will inspire heart,
hope and personal responsibility in people around the globe
long after my feet in these shoes aren't walking the planet.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.
- Henry Ward Beecher
Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth,
and if a man does not know what a thing is,
it is at least an increase in knowledge
if he knows what it is not.
- Carl Jung
A nation that continues year after year
to spend more money on military defense
than on programs of social uplift
is approaching spiritual doom.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Many men go fishing all of their lives
without knowing that it is not fish they are after.
- Henry David Thoreau
One's own religion is after all
a matter between oneself
and one's Maker and no one else's.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Measures must always, in a progressive society,
be held superior to men, who are after all,
imperfect instruments, working for their fulfillment.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.