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Let these funny Spends Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
He who spends time regretting the past,
loses the present and risks the future.
- Quevedo
If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day,
he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer.
But if he spends his days as a speculator,
shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time,
he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen.
- Henry David Thoreau
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
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Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money
they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers
Most of us spend our lives as if
we have another one in the bank.
- Ben Irwin
To a very young child, mommy and daddy are gods.
We spend our lives looking to regain
that sense of being cared for and protected.
Thus religion.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When I am getting ready to reason with a man,
I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself
and what I am going to say
and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.
- Abraham Lincoln
Spend time every day listening to what your muse is trying to tell you.
- Saint Bartholomew
Instead of worrying about what people say of you,
why not spend time trying to accomplish
something they will admire.
- Dale Carnegie
Give me six hours to chop down a tree
and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
- Abraham Lincoln
If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm,
you'll never enjoy the sunshine.
- Morris West
If we spend the time we waste in sighing
for the perfect golden fruit
in fulfilling the conditions of its growth,
happiness will come, must come.
It is guaranteed in the very laws of the universe.
If it involves some chastening and renunciation, well,
the fruit will be all the sweeter for this touch of holiness.
- Helen Keller
Yesterday is a canceled check;
tomorrow is a
promissory note;
today is the only cash you have;
so spend it wisely.
- Kay Lyons
How we spend our days is of course
how we spend our lives.
- Annie Dillard
It is your own life, certainly, to spend as you choose.
- Tanya, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
Keep close to Nature's heart...
and break clear away, once in awhile,
and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods.
Wash your spirit clean.
- John Muir
Never spend your money before you have earned it.
- Thomas Jefferson
Spend some time alone every day.
- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama
None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude.
Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves,
and spend without fear of bankruptcy.
- Fred De Witt Van Amburgh
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree,
I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax.
- Abraham Lincoln
Today, I Will Spend Time In Silence.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A nation that continues year after year
to spend more money on military defense
than on programs of social uplift
is approaching spiritual doom.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Many people allow their need
for other people's approval to control their lives.
They spend their lives worrying about what others think of them.
- Rick Warren
While you can and should keep your composure and happiness
regardless of circumstances - regardless of your friends,
family and co-workers - regardless of gossip, sarcasm, and negativity.
Nonetheless, life is much easier and more pleasant
when you spend as much time as possible
in the company of enthusiastic positive people -
not necessarily those who agree with you,
but those who respect your right to your point of view.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
While most managers spend their time attempting
to predict the future accurately -
and while that's valuable -
the best managers are able to generate a future
which was not going to happen otherwise -
that is, a future which was not predictable.
- Werner Erhard
It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil.
If they would only expend the same
amount of energy loving their fellow men,
the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui.
- Helen Keller
"Mother Teresa Prayer"
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
... Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
... Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
... Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
... Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
... Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
... Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
... Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
... Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
We can do no great things - only small things with great love.
- although commonly attributed to Mother Teresa,
who kept a copy of this prayer on
the wall of her Calcutta orphanage,
this prayer was actually written by Kent Keith.
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Maturity is the ability to do a job
whether or not you are supervised,
to carry money without spending it,
and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.
- Ann Landers
I sincerely believe that banking establishments
are more dangerous than standing armies,
and that the principle of spending money
to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding,
is but swindling futurity on a large scale.
- Thomas Jefferson
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Where There is Love, Nothing is Missing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Know that where there is love, nothing is missing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Whenever God wakes in us, our thinking
becomes clear - nothing is missing.
- St. Thomas Aquinas
Loneliness is not what it seems.
One does not feel lonely because one is alone,
but because of a feeling of lack -
a feeling that something is missing.
Loneliness is essentially independent
of how many other humans are around.
It has much more to do with one's self-esteem -
one's sense of inherent worth.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love is missing someone whenever you're apart,
but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.
- Kay Knudsen
Nothing is missing - Lack is an illusion.
We always have everything we truly need.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When a person doesn't have gratitude,
something is missing in his or her humanity.
A person can almost be defined by
his or her attitude toward gratitude.
- Elie Wiesel
We ourselves feel that what we are doing
is just a drop in the ocean.
But the ocean would be less
because of that missing drop.
- Mother Teresa
Existence needs you.
Without you, something will be missing
in existence and nobody can replace it.
Thats what gives you dignity,
that the whole existence will miss you.
- Osho
When you are alone you are not alone,
you are simply lonely -
and there is a tremendous difference
between loneliness and aloneness.
When you are lonely you are thinking of the other,
you are missing the other.
Loneliness is a negative state.
You are feeling that it would have been
better if the other were there -
your friend, your wife, your mother,
your beloved, your husband.
It would have been good if the other
were there, but the other is not.
Loneliness is absence of the other.
Aloneness is the presence of oneself.
Aloneness is very positive.
It is a presence, overflowing presence.
You are so full of presence
that you can fill the whole universe
with your presence and there is no need for anybody.
- Osho
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.