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Let these funny Speeches Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Speeches that are measured by the hour
will die with the hour.
- Thomas Jefferson
Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.
- Anna Cummins
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Speak when you are angry -
and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter
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My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
Silence is safer than speech.
- Epictetus
A generous heart, kind speech,
and a life of service and compassion
are the things which renew humanity.
- The Buddha
We do not need to proselytize
either by our speech or by our writing.
We can only do so really with our lives.
Let our lives be open books for all to study.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The wise ones fashioned speech with their thought,
sifting it as grain is sifted through a sieve.
- The Buddha
People hardly ever make use of the freedom which they have,
for example, freedom of thought;
instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Few people know how to take a walk.
The qualifications are endurance,
plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature,
good humor, vast curiosity, good speech,
good silence and nothing too much.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead
I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein
Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.
- Henry Ward Beecher
There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather
Understanding is a two-way street.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Prejudice is a two-edged sword.
Like the steel sort of sword, it's very sharp, very useful,
and very dangerous if not properly mastered.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.
- Khalil Gibran
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated;
you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- David Lloyd George
We have two ears and one mouth so that
we can listen twice as much as we speak.
- Epictetus
Music fills the infinite between two souls.
- Rabindranath Tagore
The meeting of two personalities is
like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
- Carl Jung
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
- Audrey Hepburn
There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter
I had three chairs in my house;
one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.
- Henry David Thoreau
To live a satisfying life requires two steps...
1. Plan your life goals.
2. Act on your plan - every day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
- Mencius
Friendship is not possible between two women
one of whom is very well dressed.
- Laurie Colwin
The career of a sage is of two kinds:
He is either honored by all in the world,
Like a flower waving its head,
Or else he disappears into the silent forest.
- Lao Tzu
You can close more business in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie
Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
- Friedrich Halm
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons
to promote the good and happiness of one another.
- Eustace Budgell
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children
One is roots, the other is wings.
- Hodding Carter
As a rock star, I have two instincts,
I want to have fun, and I want to change the world.
I have a chance to do both.
- Bono
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor
The Two Great Lessons of Life: Choose Love & Trust God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Cause and effect are two sides of one fact.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are always two forces warring against each other within us.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth
- not going all the way and not starting.
- The Buddha
Pride comes in two flavors -
be careful which you choose -
choose honor, not ego.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It takes two to speak the truth:
one to speak, and another to hear.
- Henry David Thoreau
There are two kinds of stones,
as everyone knows,
one of which rolls.
- Amelia Earhart
At the beginning and at the end of love,
the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.
- Jean de la Bruyere
This is the answer to all questions about relationship.
When two people sing their lives in harmony,
their lives are grand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa,
there are also roads that lead to their goal.
Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness.
- Nelson Mandela
There are two means of refuge
from the miseries of life:
music and cats.
- Albert Schweitzer
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.