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Let these funny Sermon Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
A good example is the best sermon.
- Benjamin Franklin
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde 
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
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One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain
He who marries for love without money
has good nights and sorry days.
- Anonymous
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
Nothing is as good for the soul as a marshmallow roast.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
The universe we observe has precisely
the properties we should expect
if there is, at bottom, no design,
no purpose, no evil, no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
- Charles Darwin
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Less is only more where more is no good.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
- Judith Martin
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students,
and turns them into prunes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
Regrets are the tears of good deeds left undone
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken
I only wish that ordinary people
had an unlimited capacity for doing harm;
then they might have an unlimited power for doing good.
- Socrates
She generally gave herself very good advice,
(though she very seldom followed it).
- Lewis Carroll
I always pass on good advice.
It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Today is probably a good day for something;
but it's a better day for doing nothing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
- Albert Schweitzer
Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves
to recognize how good things really are.
- Marianne Williamson
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations...
The quotations, when engraved upon the memory, give you good thoughts.
They also make you anxious to read the authors and look for more.
- Winston Churchill
As for doing good; that is one of the professions which is full.
Moreover I have tried it fairly and, strange as it may seem,
am satisfied that it does not agree with my constitution.
- Henry David Thoreau
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
Discourage litigation.
Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can.
As a peacemaker the lawyer has
superior opportunity of being a good man.
There will still be business enough.
- Abraham Lincoln
No good comes from hurrying.
- Yiddish Proverb
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe
He who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead;
his eyes are closed.
- Albert Einstein
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph
is for enough good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke
A good traveler has no fixed plans,
and is not intent on arriving.
- Lao Tzu
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
Write your Sad times in Sand,
Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw
Mind Chatter...
"I'm too fat; I'm too thin; and my hair is a fright;
And I'm never enough; and my world is not right;
I'm not smart; I'm not cute; I'm not strong; I'm a bust
I earn scorn; I earn hate; I'm no good; I disgust."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I find that he is happiest
of whom the world says least, good or bad.
- Thomas Jefferson
Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement.
- Jim Horning
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it.
It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.
- Grace Hopper
In the arena of human life,
the honors and rewards fall to those
who show their good qualities in action.
- Aristotle
The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good.
- Polish Proverb
The world moves, and ideas that were
once good are not always good.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I look only to the good qualities of men.
Not being faultless myself,
I won't presume to probe into the faults of others.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
All tyranny needs to gain a foothold
is for people of good conscience to remain silent.
- Thomas Jefferson
Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.
- John D. Rockefeller
The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep.
- E. Joseph Cossman
Regrets are the tears of choices not made
and of good deeds left undone.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I used to believe in forever, but forever's too good to be true.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect.
If it's not based on respect,
nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant
Better learn balance. Balance is key.
Balance good, karate good. Everything good.
Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid
A good-bye is never painful unless
you're never going to say hello again.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.