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Let these funny Selection Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I have called this principle,
by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved,
by the term of Natural Selection.
- Charles Darwin
A man is a method, a progressive arrangement; a selecting principle,
gathering his like to him; wherever he goes.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields 
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
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A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.