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Funny Second Chances Quotes
Funny Quotes about Second Chances

Let these funny Second Chances Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

This isn't a rehearsal or a practice life.
This is your real life - your one and only real life.
There are no retakes - no second chances.
Begin now - live full out.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance,
but with somebody else.
- Mae West


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The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain


 

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

The early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
- Judy Garland

If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ
in color for a full hour,
there would be a considerable number of stations
which would decline to carry it on the grounds
that a Western or a quiz show would be more profitable.
- Edward R. Murrow

Tradition is like a second-hand store.
It is best to sort carefully
between the treasures and the trash.
See everything with new eyes.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

All truth passes through three stages:
First, it is ridiculed;
Second, it is violently opposed;
Third, it is accepted as self-evident.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

Do first things first, and second things not at all.
- Peter F. Drucker

Once you say you're going to settle for second,
that's what happens to you in life.
- John F. Kennedy

It is the first law of friendship
that it has to be cultivated.
The second is to be indulgent
when the first law is neglected.
- Voltaire

Shrinking away from death
is something unhealthy and abnormal -
which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
- Carl Jung

How you respond to the challenge in the second half
will determine what you become after the game,
whether you are a winner or a loser.
- Lou Holtz

The second office in the government is honorable and easy;
the first is but a splendid misery.
- Thomas Jefferson

In my friend, I find a second self.
- Isabel Norton

The most terrible job in warfare is to be a second lieutenant
leading a platoon when you are on the battlefield.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Looking at a sunset, just for a second
you forget your separateness:
you are the sunset.
That is the moment when you feel the beauty of it.
But the moment you say that it is a beautiful sunset,
you are no longer feeling it;
you have come back to your separate,
enclosed entity of the ego.
Now the mind is speaking.
- Osho

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied:
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it:
'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
- Matthew 22:36-40

I have three precious things which I hold fast and prize.
The first is gentleness;
the second is frugality;
the third is humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others.
Be gentle and you can be bold;
be frugal and you can be generous;
avoid putting yourself before others
and you can become a leader among men.
- Lao Tzu

I have treated many hundreds of patients.
Among those in the second half of life -
that is to say, over 35 -
there has not been one whose problem in the last resort
was not that of finding a religious outlook on life.
- Carl Jung

Meddling:
Everything that happens in the world, or doesn't happen,
is NOT my responsibility.
There are more than enough things that are my responsibility.
I am responsible for my thoughts, my beliefs, and my actions -
and that is enough.
It does not serve me to mind anyone else's business.
I can only make myself unhappy by trying to second guess
what anyone else thinks or does.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Love bravely, live bravely, be courageous;
there's really nothing to lose.
There's no wrong you can't make right again,
so be kinder to yourself;
have fun, take chances. There are no bounds.
- Jewel

We may not always be aware of it, but we all create
and repeat affirmations constantly.
The problem is, we typically don't pay attention
to exactly what those affirmations are saying.
Often we go through the day giving ourselves
all sorts of contradictory, or even negative messages.
We may project confidence to the world around us,
while our inner dialogue says...
I hope this works.
I am so nervous about this.
I hope I don't blow it.
Affirmations are self fulfilling prophecies.
If we say, This is never going to work
... then chances are excellent it never will.
- John Assaraf

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous

Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

Where There is Love, Nothing is Missing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare

A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson

Love is the flower you've got to let grow.
- John Lennon

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.