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Let these funny Retards Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
The test of all beliefs is their practical effect in life.
If it be true that optimism compels the world forward,
and pessimism retards it, then it is dangerous to
propagate a pessimistic philosophy.
- Helen Keller
The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett
Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln
Experience is a hard teacher.
She gives the test first
and the lessons afterwards.
- Anonymous
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Every formula of every religion has, in this age of reason,
to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The greatest test of courage on earth
is to bear defeat without losing heart.
- Robert Ingersoll
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
- Richard Bach
Life is a journey. It is not a race to test
who can finish first or who can end up with the most loot.
Rather, life is best enjoyed as a meander -
watching the view to left and right - above and below -
as the days slowly move past in dress review.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The ultimate test of a man's conscience
may be his willingness to sacrifice something today
for future generations whose words of thanks will not be heard.
- Gaylord Nelson
The perception of beauty is a moral test.
- Henry David Thoreau
I have one yardstick by which I test every major problem -
and that yardstick is: Is it good for America?
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Nothing can be more abhorrent to democracy
than to imprison a person
or keep him in prison because he is unpopular.
This is really the test of civilization.
- Winston Churchill
Eternity:
I am drawn to the wild edge of the ocean of my being
My curiosity unbound, I test the limits
of the limitless and the boundaries of the timeless.
I walk the path - the way - the way of ways -
to the end which is not an end.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Real love is never a selfish emotion.
If you want something from someone -
especially if that something is sex -
what you are feeling is not true love.
True love is about wanting happiness for the person you love -
and not about seeking happiness for yourself.
Fortunately, in most cases our own loving presence
is the greatest gift we can give to a person we love.
Nonetheless, the litmus test of love is knowing
we would choose never to see that person again
if we believed that distance would bring them greater happiness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is not our place to know the mind of God.
Spirit knows what is best in the long run -
best for each of us individually,
and best for humanity as a whole.
This is often very difficult to accept
when we see war and disease in the world
and experience physical and emotional suffering
in ourselves, our family, and our friends.
I consider this belief in God's infinite power
and ultimate wisdom to be the true test of faith.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Which beliefs bring out the best in you?
Which beliefs hold you prisoner to yesterday
and limit your options for designing a great future?
Test your beliefs with as much objectivity
as you can bring to the subject.
Be willing to let go of those beliefs
that represent your parents' opinions,
or your communities opinions, rather than your own.
Those beliefs that withstand rigorous testing,
should become the foundation of your being -
your reason for living.
Take action on those beliefs.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- Will Rogers
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra
I don't know, I don't care,
and it doesn't make any difference!
- Albert Einstein
Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.
The several sects perform the office of a Censor -
over each other.
- Thomas Jefferson
The difference between stupidity and genius
is that genius has its limits.
- Albert Einstein
I am a Passionate Observer of Life.
I See the events, feel the emotions,
and recognize the difference.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)
I will act as if what I do makes a difference.
- William James
Fear of difference is fear of life itself.
- M. P. Follett
You should never be content with so little,
when you can reach out for something big.
- Charles L. Allen
(This quote is about making a big difference
in the world - not about greed)
Calm provides clarity. Pause to consider
the gifts you have been given,
the difference you have made
and the direction in which you are headed.
- Anonymous
The difference between the impossible and the possible
lies in a persons determination.
- Tommy Lasorda
The difference between men friends and women friends
is that men tend to do things together,
women tend to just be together.
- Art Jahnke
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
If humanity does not opt for integrity we are through completely.
It is absolutely touch and go.
Each one of us could make the difference.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Know the power of perspective.
Be a passionate observer of life.
See the events, feel the emotions,
and recognize the difference.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There's a big difference between a handout and a helping hand.
One's charity, the other's friendship.
- Little Joe' Cartwright in Bonanza - Rain from Heaven
Death is no more than passing from one room into another.
But there's a difference for me, you know.
Because in that other room I shall be able to see.
- Helen Keller
The difference between what we do
and what we are capable of doing
would suffice to solve most of the world's problem.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Two little words that can make the difference: START NOW.
- Mary C. Crowley
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
- Jimmy Johnson
The difference between work and play lies 100%
in the attitude of the participant.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's the Consciousness with which we participate
in activities that makes the difference.
- Michael Beckwith
There's a world of difference between truth and facts.
Facts can obscure truth.
- Maya Angelou
The difference between a successful person and others
is not a lack of strength,
not a lack of knowledge,
but rather a lack of will.
- Vince Lombardi
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I ...
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
- Winston Churchill
There is more difference in the quality
of our pleasures than in the amount.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The "stories" we choose to tell about our past
are never what a video camera would have recorded.
We can tell a sad story or a happy story,
and neither story is either
more accurate or "better" than the other story.
The difference is that one story causes us to suffer,
while the other brings us joy. I choose joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Whenever you're in conflict with someone,
there is one factor that can make the difference
between damaging your relationship and deepening it.
That factor is attitude.
- William James
Be an Observer of Life.
See the events, feel the emotions,
and recognize the difference.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In matters of truth and justice,
there is no difference between large and small problems,
for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same.
- Albert Einstein
There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
- the character Morpheus in the movie The Matrix
Almost nothing you worry about today
will matter in a hundred years.
Think carefully about what you can focus on today.
Choose tasks that will actually make a positive difference
to your great-grandchildren.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's the little things you do
that can make a big difference.
What are you attempting to accomplish?
What little thing can you do today
that will make you more effective?
You are probably only one step away from greatness.
- Bob Proctor
What difference does it make to the dead,
the orphans, and the homeless,
whether the mad destruction is wrought
under the name of totalitarianism
or the holy name of liberty or democracy?
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Understand the difference between "failing,"
which each of us does often,
and "being a failure,"
which is a state of mind no one should
ever allow themself to fall into.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When life seems overwhelming, just step back for a day.
Consider what is most important.
Focus on the crucial issues in your life.
Just let the rest of your upsets go.
You can't fix the whole world, but you can still make a difference.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
From one point of view, one individual's vote
doesn't make any difference whatsoever.
The probability of an election swinging
by a single vote is infinitesimal.
On the other hand, if everybody took the attitude
that voting didn't matter, there could never
be a democratically elected government - at all.
So, does your vote matter? You bet your vote matters.
And, at least as much as your vote matters,
your intention for the future of the world matters.
That's so important, it's worth saying again.
At Least As Much As Your Vote Matters,
Your Intention For The Future Of The Entire World Matters.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The shepherd drives the wolf from the sheep's throat,
for which the sheep thanks the shepherd as a liberator,
while the wolf denounces him for the same act
as the destroyer of liberty,
especially as the sheep was a black one.
Plainly the sheep and the wolf are not agreed
upon a definition of the word liberty;
and precisely the same difference
prevails today among us human creatures
- Abraham Lincoln
Each of us is of infinite value,
and each of us has the ability to make
a profound difference in the lives we touch.
We leave our most profoundly positive impact
on those around us by the nature of our lives
and the example we set -
not by how busy we are,
or how important we believe we are.
Setting an example of being loving, relaxed and joyful,
regardless of external circumstances,
is a great legacy for our family and for the world.
Self importance - ego - is not a path to happiness.
Focusing one's whole life on responsibilities,
without taking time for self-renewal and play,
abandons the joy and the true value of life.
I want my tombstone to read, "Inspired others,"
rather than, "Never missed a day at the office."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When you are alone you are not alone,
you are simply lonely -
and there is a tremendous difference
between loneliness and aloneness.
When you are lonely you are thinking of the other,
you are missing the other.
Loneliness is a negative state.
You are feeling that it would have been
better if the other were there -
your friend, your wife, your mother,
your beloved, your husband.
It would have been good if the other
were there, but the other is not.
Loneliness is absence of the other.
Aloneness is the presence of oneself.
Aloneness is very positive.
It is a presence, overflowing presence.
You are so full of presence
that you can fill the whole universe
with your presence and there is no need for anybody.
- Osho
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.