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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Printed Quotes
Funny Quotes about Printed

Let these funny Printed Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

The most important service rendered
by the press and the magazines
is that of educating people
to approach printed matter with distrust.
- Samuel Butler

Before printing was discovered,
a century was equal to a thousand years.
- Henry David Thoreau

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill


 

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Always speak the truth,
think before you speak,
and write it down afterwards.
- Lewis Carroll


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Why, sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
- Mel Brooks

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell

What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite
smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol
before, after and if need be during all meals
and in the intervals between them.
- Winston Churchill

In case you failed to notice,
in case you failed to see,
this is my heart,
bleeding before you,
this is me down on my knees.
- Jewel

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
- William Shakespeare

Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone
what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you
before you can move on.
- the movie Forrest Gump

There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere,
and many of us will have to pass
through the valley of the shadow of death
again and again before we reach
the mountaintop of our desires.
- Nelson Mandela

Don't be dismayed by good-byes.
A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.
- Richard Bach

We all have our thorns. We, and Life, have our moments.
Life occurs before our morning coffee.
Life occurs in our bathrobe with our hair uncombed.
Bless and give thanks for All of Life - the bloom and the thorns.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left.
- Marilyn Monroe

We must be our own before we can be another's.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Before moving on, you have to clear away your cherished beliefs.
- Dick Raymond

Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

When angry, count to ten before you speak.
If very angry, count to one hundred.
- Thomas Jefferson

Nurturing is not complex.
It's simply being tuned in to the thing or person before you
and offering small gestures toward what it needs at that time.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Before the throne of the Almighty,
man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions.
For God alone reads our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Republicans are for both the man and the dollar,
but in case of conflict the man before the dollar.
- Abraham Lincoln

Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.
Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.
- Sun Tzu

Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness
of the woods before sunrise.
- George Washington Carver

I did not wish to take a cabin passage,
but rather to go before the mast
and on the deck of the world,
for there I could best see
the moonlight amid the mountains.
I do not wish to go below now.
- Henry David Thoreau

I tried to remember how to exhale.
I had to look away before it came back to me.
- Bella, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment
before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank

Today, try something you have never tried before.
Perhaps just a food that is new to you -
perhaps a whole new way of living.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It is a mark of soulfulness to be present in the here and now.
When we are present, we are not fabricating inner movies.
We are seeing what is before us.
- John Bradshaw

Look twice before you leap.
- Charlotte Bronte

The language of excitement is at best picturesque merely.
You must be calm before you can utter oracles.
- Henry David Thoreau

We do not always see what is before our face -
sometimes we see what we hope to see,
or fear we will see.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It is darkest just before the dawn.
- Proverb

Thanks to television, for the first time
the young are seeing history made
before it is censored by their elders.
- Margaret Mead

The challenge before us is to savor the unknown
and delight in the taste of possibility.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

A great part of courage is the courage
of having done the thing before.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man who suffers before it is necessary,
suffers more than is necessary.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Follow your bliss and doors will open
where there were no doors before.
- Joseph Campbell

Every known fact in natural science was divined
by the presentiment of somebody,
before it was actually verified.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Doubt is the vestibule which we all must pass through
before we can enter the temple of truth.
- Osho

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.
- Michael Jordan

Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman,
before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.
- John Quincy Adams

Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before,
but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God.
- Ram Dass

True love means putting the other person before yourself,
and honoring the relationship above all.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Who were you before you put yourself last.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

If you have no confidence in self,
you are twice defeated in the race of life.
With confidence, you have won even before you have started.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

Never put passion before principle.
Even if win, you lose.
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid 2

The golden age is before us, not behind us.
- William Shakespeare

As long as any adult thinks that he,
like the parents and teachers of old,
can become introspective,
invoking his own youth to understand
the youth before him,
he is lost.
- Margaret Mead

For the very first time the young are
seeing history being made
before it is censored by their elders.
- Margaret Mead

I like the silent church before the service begins,
better than any preaching.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

True friendship is a plant of slow growth,
and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity
before it is entitled to the appellation.
- George Washington

Children are born innocent.
Before they are domesticated they live in the moment,
love without fear, and don't even think about the opinions of others.
- don Miguel Ruiz

A friend is one before whom I can think aloud.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best time to make friends is before you need them.
- Ethel Barrymore

Each day, I am healthier, younger,
stronger, more comfortable,
and more joyful than the day before.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Before we acquire great power
we must acquire wisdom to use it well.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I read a book that impresses me,
I have to take myself firmly in hand
before I mix with other people;
otherwise they would think my mind rather queer.
- Anne Frank


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.