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Let these funny Performance Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Faithfulness in the performance of small duties
gives us strength to adhere to difficult determinations
that life will someday force us to make.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White 
Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.
The several sects perform the office of a Censor -
over each other.
- Thomas Jefferson
Loving is the most unmitigated
and courageous act I perform in a day.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
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No duty the Executive had to perform was so trying
as to put the right man in the right place.
- Thomas Jefferson
It is better to do one's own duty,
however defective it may be,
than to follow the duty of another,
however well one may perform it.
He who does his duty as
his own nature reveals it, never sins.
- Lao Tzu
A young man who does not have what
it takes to perform military service
is not likely to have what
it takes to make a living.
Today's military rejects include
tomorrow's hard-core unemployed.
- John F. Kennedy
The road to freedom lies not through
mysteries or occult performances,
but through the intelligent use
of natural forces and laws.
- Ernest Holmes
Great works are performed not by strength,
but by perseverance.
- Samuel Johnson
Rights that do not flow from duty
well performed are not worth having.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Failure does not exist.
Failure is simply someone else's opinion of how
a certain act should have been completed.
Once you believe that no act must be performed
in any specific other-directed way,
then failing becomes impossible.
- Wayne Dyer
There is no goodness in attempting to coerce
another person into performing a good deed.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson
Less is only more where more is no good.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The universe we observe has precisely
the properties we should expect
if there is, at bottom, no design,
no purpose, no evil, no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
- Charles Darwin
No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra
Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Experience keeps a dear school,
but fools will learn in no other.
- Benjamin Franklin
It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,
for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Albert Einstein
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance
and hypocritical humility.
I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
There is no such thing as public opinion.
There is only published opinion.
- Winston Churchill
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.