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Funny Paranoid Quotes
Funny Quotes about Paranoid

Let these funny Paranoid Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner


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You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead


 

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
- Bill Cosby

Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers

I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Dan Stanford

If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Take time to play!
Ask for what you want.
Laugh.
Live loudly.
Be avid.
Learn a new thing.
Be Yourself!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

How do you want to be remembered?
Live life full out - Begin today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here."
- Lewis Carroll

Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody
who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The jump is so frightening
between where I am,
and where I want to be.
Because of all I may become,
I will close my eyes and leap.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

If you want to make enemies,
try to change something.
- Woodrow Wilson

People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry

If you want to make peace with your enemy,
you have to work with your enemy.
Then he becomes your partner.
- Nelson Mandela

If you want to be happy, be.
- Leo Tolstoy

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton

People are stupid;
given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything.
Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie
because they want to believe it's true,
or because they are afraid it might be true.
- Terry Goodkind

Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln

Dream up the world you want to live in. Dream out loud.
- Bono

Getting old is a fascination thing.
The older you get, the older you want to get.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whatever you want in life, start today.
Not tomorrow - today.
Let it be a small beginning - a tiny beginning.
Your happiness depends on starting today - every day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We believe whatever we want to believe.
- Demosthenes

If you want to do it,
Do It - TODAY.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If we want to direct our lives,
we must take control of our consistent actions.
It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives,
but what we do consistently.
- Anthony Robbins

You know you love someone when you know
you want them to be happy,
even if their happiness means
that you are not a part of it.
- Anonymous

We only see what we want to see,
and hear what we want to hear
- don Miguel Ruiz

Never say goodbye when you still want to try,
never give up when you still feel you can't take it.
Never say you don't love the person anymore
when you can't let go.
- Anonymous

Naturally, the common people don't want war ...
but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy,
and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along,
whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought
to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism
and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in every country.
- Hermann Goering

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness;
however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Attention is the ability we have to discriminate
and to focus only on that which we want to perceive.
- don Miguel Ruiz

Intolerance betrays want of faith in one's cause.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Most of us are prisoners of habit,
and don't even notice that we do the same things,
think the same things, want the same things each day -
mostly without conscious thought.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The moment we want to believe something,
we suddenly see all the arguments for it,
and become blind to the arguments against it.
- George Bernard Shaw

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
- Leslie Gore

Those that want friends to open themselves unto
are cannibals of their own hearts.
- Francis Bacon

No one is in control of your happiness but you;
therefore, you have the power to change anything
about yourself or your life that you want to change.
- Barbara De Angelis

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

If you want peace, stop fighting.
If you want peace of mind,
stop fighting with your thoughts.
- Peter McWilliams

If we want a love message to be heard,
it has got to be sent out.
To keep a lamp burning,
we have to keep putting oil in it.
- Mother Teresa

If you want reality to be different than it is,
you might as well try to teach a cat to bark.
- Byron Katie

You will never find time for anything.
If you want time you must make it.
- Charles Buxton

We can do anything we want to
if we stick to it long enough.
- Helen Keller

If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive.
If you want to be exponentially better: Be cooperative.
- Anonymous

If the United States of America or Britain is having elections,
they don't ask for observers from Africa or from Asia.
But when we have elections, they want observers.
- Nelson Mandela

If you want to feel rich,
just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
- Anonymous

If you want a love message to be heard,
it has got to be sent out.
To keep a lamp burning,
we have to keep putting oil in it.
- Mother Teresa

Do you want to know who you are?
Don't ask. Act!
Action will delineate and define you.
- Thomas Jefferson

If you want something to be different than it is,
you might as well teach a cat to bark.
Wanting something to be different than it is, is hopeless.
- Byron Katie

If you want to be happy,
put your effort into controlling the sail, not the wind.
- Anonymous

I want to have fun, and I want to change the world.
I have a chance to do both.
- Bono


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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