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Let these funny Ostentatious Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
As far as I'm concerned, I prefer
silent vice to ostentatious virtue.
- Albert Einstein
Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person.
We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature;
what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training.
We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own;
they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
All that is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable
or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden
by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam
or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been
so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed.
And as for me, all that I think about in this plodding sad pilgrimage,
this pathetic drift between the eternities,
is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me:
the rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
- Mark Twain in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
We make sacred pact. I promise teach
karate to you, you promise learn.
I say, you do, no questions.
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid
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Who hears me, who understands me, becomes mine,
a possession for all time.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
You cannot teach a man anything;
you can only help him find it within himself.
- Galileo Galilei
Training yourself to live in the present -
without regretting the past or fearing the future -
is a recipe for a happy life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Not every difficult and dangerous thing
is suitable for training,
but only that which is conducive to success
in achieving the object of our effort.
- Epictetus
We are strange beings, we seem
to go free, but we go in chains -
chains of training, custom, convention,
association, environment -
in a word, Circumstance -
and against these bonds
the strongest of us struggle in vain.
- Mark Twain
From the way most people live,
one would never guess that humans are beings of free will.
Repetition can be a choice, but often it isn't.
The athlete or pianist who practices the same routine
day after day, year after year, has their eye on a goal.
The unending repetition is a conscious choice
in the pursuit of a life dream.
But what about the sameness of most lives?
Observe the morning commute, the after-work drink,
the Sunday football game or religious service -
how many of those people are consciously following their dream,
training their mind, body, and spirit through that daily repetition?
And how many are mindlessly slogging through each day
out of habit and boredom?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
During his training, a baseball player strives
to make each swing better than the last.
The repetition of a faulty swing would be worse than useless.
It would ingrain bad habits.
The same is true of emotional responses.
If we allow ourselves to continue to have the same angry responses,
we just entrench our anger habit.
But if we strive - through consciousness, visualization, and coaching -
to moderate our anger response,
over time, we can train ourselves to respond
to events as we choose - without anger.
You can't magically be free from anger tomorrow,
but you can put yourself on your own training program
that will reduce the frequency and intensity
of your anger response day by day, year by year.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I am trying to own my own opinions
and offer what I know as an option,
just as I would present a tray of appetizers for my guests.
Here are several choices that I have created -
if one looks good you are welcome to take it.
In other words, I am training myself to say,
"May I tell you how it is for me?"
When I ask the question, it means waiting
for the invitation to share.
It also means being prepared for my friend to say,
"No." They don't want to know.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Anyone who can worship a trinity
and insist that his religion is a monotheism
can believe anything.
- Robert A Heinlein
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
I don't doubt God. I have firm faith absolutely in God.
It's religion I'm doubting.
- Bono
Almost any sect, cult, or religion will
legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In every country and every age,
the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid
Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston
Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The believer's ray of light is the cynic's sunburn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
True believers just don't see things the way they are,
because if they did, they wouldn't be true believers anymore.
- Philip Caputo
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain
The invisible and nonexistent look much alike.
- Delos B. McKown
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
The Christian missionary may preach the gospel
to the poor naked heathen,
but the spiritual heathen who populate Europe
have as yet heard nothing of Christianity.
- Carl Jung
If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
- John Lennon
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon
Puritanism. The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment
can be regarded as ethical
or should be regarded as merely cowardly.
- Margaret Mead
The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown
Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon
In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain
Do not let Sunday be taken from you.
If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.
- Albert Schweitzer
The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Science without religion is lame,
religion without science is blind.
- Albert Einstein
All religions are the same:
Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
- Cathy Ladman
Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin
Religion is regarded by the common people as true,
by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.