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Funny Newspaper Quotes
Funny Quotes about Newspaper

Let these funny Newspaper Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Advertisements contain the only truths
to be relied on in a newspaper.
- Thomas Jefferson

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month,
and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.
- Thomas Jefferson

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

Were it left to me to decide whether we should
have a government without newspapers,
or newspapers without a government,
I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.
- Thomas Jefferson


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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin


 

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter

A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates

A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln

I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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