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Let these funny Male Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Many societies have educated their male children
on the simple device of teaching them not to be women.
- Margaret Mead
You shall not covet your neighbor's house;
you shall not covet your neighbor's wife,
nor his male servant, nor his female servant,
nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.
- Exodus 20:17
Never ascribe to malice that which is
adequately explained by incompetence.
- Napoleon
The truth is incontrovertible,
malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it,
but in the end; there it is.
- Winston Churchill
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With Malice toward none, with charity for all,
with firmness in the right,
as God gives us to see the right,
let us strive on to finish the work we are in,
to bind up the nation's wounds.
- Abraham Lincoln
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.