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Let these funny Juice Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Regret, worry, and fear squeeze
the juice from life leaving a dry hulk.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Everything that is worthwhile in life is scary.
Choosing a school, choosing a career,
getting married, having kids -
all those things are scary.
If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile.
- Paul Tornier
When people get married because they think
it's a long-time love affair,
they'll be divorced very soon,
because all love affairs end in disappointment.
But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.
- Joseph Campbell
Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Rituals are important.
Nowadays it's hip not to be married.
I'm not interested in being hip.
- John Lennon
Organic buildings are the strength
and lightness of the spiders' spinning,
buildings qualified by light,
bred by native character to environment,
married to the ground.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
True love is a process of co-creation
in which neither feels ownership or superiority.
Jealousy is a highly destructive force
for love and relationships.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Where there is great love,
there are always miracles.
- Willa Cather
Love one another but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
- Khalil Gibran
Hate is never conquered by hate,
Hate is only conquered by love.
- The Buddha
Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous
Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi
This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth
A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson
Love me when I least deserve it,
because that's when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong
We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong
If (s)he's an apple and you're an orange,
celebrate your differences -
make a great fruit salad.
Love isn't about being the same -
it's about being sweet with each other.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.