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Funny Jewish Quotes
Funny Quotes about Jewish

Let these funny Jewish Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I do not recall a Jewish home without a book on the table.
- Elie Wiesel

Peace is the ultimate blessing.
- Jewish traditional

Our forces saved the remnants of the Jewish people of Europe
for a new life and a new hope in the reborn land of Israel.
Along with all men of good will,
I salute the young state and wish it well.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

That which is hateful to you,
do not do to your fellow.
That is the whole Torah;
the rest is the explanation.
- Talmud (Jewish Wisdom)


 

All the darkness of the world cannot
extinguish the light of a single candle,
yet one candle can illuminate all the darkness.
- Jewish Hanukah Prayer

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.
- Jewish Proverb

We played a gig and we had a song that was offensive
to people of the Jewish persuasion,
and we led off with it, and they were offended by it,
and that was that.
- Santiago Durango


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In Jewish history there are no coincidences.
- Elie Wiesel

I'm short, I'm Jewish and I'm a liberal.
- Paul Wellstone

Like other important immigrant communities,
the Jewish experience in the United States represents
the ideal of freedom and the promise and opportunity of America.
- Jan Schakowsky

People do think I'm Jewish.
But we're Irish Catholic.
My father had a brogue.
- Martin Short

Since 1985, I have written about contemporary Jewish
practice and the Jewish community.
- Anita Diament

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- Henny Youngman

In my career, there have been three things that were challenging:
playing gay;
playing a Jewish woman; and playing Chekhov.
The scariest part was playing Chekhov!
- Bernadette Peters

My own electorate, which I represented for 36 years
as an anti-apartheid politician,
had a considerable number of Jewish voters supporting me throughout my career.
- Helen Suzman

I have a 10-year track record of writing for the Jewish community.
- Anita Diament

During the Second World War, evacuated to non-Jewish households,
I encountered Christianity at home and in school.
- Lionel Blue

Sometimes people who are Jewish are held to a higher
standard which sometimes we take great pride in.
- Gary Ackerman

What moves me is neither ethnocentric pride nor sectarian arrogance.
I make no claim that Jewish culture is superior to other cultures.
But it is mine.
- Theodore Bikel

The Jewish nation is indeed, the heart of the world
and there is no reason for the existence of empires,
kings, rulers, masses or systems aside from their reaction to the Jewish people.
- Meir Kahane

Prejudice and discrimination have always been a big part of my life.
When I was 6, I got beat up and called dirty Jew boy
because they thought I looked Jewish.
- Philip Zimbardo

Jews have been in Egypt since Biblical times,
and Alexandria had once been, at least partially,
a Jewish city.
- Meir Kahane

It is written in the Jewish law book,
the Talmud, that only the Jew is human,
that Gentiles are only animals.
- Julius Streicher

People ask how can a Jewish kid from the Bronx do preppy
clothes? Does it have to do with class and money? It has to do with dreams.
- Ralph Lauren

I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between.
I dress funny.
I play all these different styles of music on one record.
It's like, What is he doing?
- Lenny Kravitz

In my blood there is no Jewish blood.
In their callous rage, all anti-Semites must hate me now as a Jew.
For that reason I am a true Russian.
- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

By the reduction of the Arabs on the one hand and Jewish
immigration in the transition period on the other,
we will ensure an absolute Hebrew majority in a parliamentary regime.
- Moshe Sharett

I think the thing that I most appreciate now is that
stereotypes involving Jewish identity activate fears
of persecution that exist in the present day.
- Gregg Easterbrook

Our main battle has always been against Israeli soldiers and Jewish settlers.
- Ahmed Yassin

I really wanted to be born a woman.
It all started there.
A South American woman.
And I'm upset that I was born a white Jewish male.
I've been angry since.
- Fisher Stevens

Both Jewish and Roman sources and traditions admit an empty tomb.
- Josh McDowell

I'm a religious man.
I am Jewish but I believe in all religions.
I believe in God and see him as an old man with a big
white beard and pray to him every day for a few minutes.
- Uri Geller

My wife who is non-Jewish regrets it all the time that
I can say these terrible things about fellow Jews and she can't.
- Joseph Epstein

There's an unwritten law that you cannot have a Jewish
character in a film who isn't 100 percent perfect,
or you're labeled anti-Semitic.
- Spike Lee

I enjoy being Jewish, but I'm an atheist...
I hate fundamentalism in all its forms.
Jews, Catholics, Baptists, I think they are all potty
and capable of destroying the world.
- Warren Mitchell

I remember Nazi election propaganda posters showing
a hateful Jewish face with crooked nose.
- Jack Steinberger

Without a Jewish state, the iron truth of history is
that the Jewish people sooner or later become even
more vulnerable to the next wave of anti-Semitism.
- Jack Schwartz

The orthodox Jewish faith practically excludes woman from religious life.
- Abraham Cahan

One of the great virtues, apart from the pleasure of performing these works,
is that it's opened up an entirely new,
expansive repertoire of American Jewish music.
- Neville Marriner

I am saying voluntarily that I have sung for almost
every religious group in the country,
from Jewish and Catholic, and Presbyterian and Holy
Rollers and Revival Churches.
- Pete Seeger

A Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy,
and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until they die!
- Philip Roth

I felt there's a wealth in Jewish tradition,
a great inheritance.
I'd be a jerk not to take advantage of it.
- Herman Wouk

It seemed ironic that Lowell Levine and I,
who were both Jewish, were going over to identify the
remains of a man who was so anti-Semitic.
- Michael Baden

I grew up Jewish, became an atheist and a Marxist,
and 28 years ago, at age 26, became a Christian.
- Marvin Olasky

As long as these blood brothers are our leaders,
and as long as your party officials are Jewish lackeys,
you will be no threat to the big money men.
- Julius Streicher

When the Jewish state is established -
it is very possible that the result will be transfer of Arabs.
- Moshe Sharett

Four years ago in speaking of a Jewish nation one ran
the risk of being regarded ridiculous.
Today he makes himself ridiculous who denies the existence of a Jewish nation.
- Theodor Herzl

Jewish and Palestinian nationalism are virtually contemporaneous,
and grew out of the disruptions that created new national
movements from the ruins of the old empires / i. - Jack Schwartz

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do
with the fact that I'm Jewish.
- Larry David

It is true that we aspire to our ancient land.
But what we want in that ancient land is a new blossoming of the Jewish spirit.
- Theodor Herzl

I showed that privacy was an implicit right in Jewish law,
probably going back to the second or third century,
when it was elaborated on in a legal way.
- Norman Lamm

We should never forget that Hollywood was built by Europeans,
and the old Jewish boys from Eastern Europe.
- Maximilian Schell

Do you know most of the Jewish songs have the same
trend of sadness as Negro spirituals?
- Mahalia Jackson

Israel, as the Jewish state, must disappear from the map.
- Ahmed Yassin

In 1934, the American Jewish charities offered to find
homes for 300 German refugee children.
We were on the SS Washington, bound for New York,
Christmas 1934.
- Jack Steinberger

Today, Jewish defense is an accepted thing.
- Meir Kahane

I thought of such Christian inventions as the ghetto
and the Jewish badge of shame.
The Nazis didn't have to go very far to pick up their know-how.
- Lionel Blue

But, when I toil in the field of Jewish culture which I frequently do,
I am indeed a Jewish artist.
- Theodore Bikel

There was one public school for boys,
and one for girls, but Jewish children were admitted in limited numbers -
only ten to a hundred; and even the lucky ones had their troubles.
- Mary Antin

You heard on all sides that the brightest Jewish children
were turned down if the examining officers did not
like the turn of their noses.
- Mary Antin

For a long time I was convinced that the conflict between
Jewish people and black people in this country was a media event.
- Toni Morrison

The idea of Jewish unity, of a plan,
an organization,
unfortunately exists only in the brains of Hitler and Streicher.
- Stefan Zweig

Israel may have the right to put others on trial,
but certainly no one has the right to put the Jewish
people and the State of Israel on trial.
- Ariel Sharon

A Jewish woman had two chickens.
One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of
the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Henny Youngman

If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died
of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.
- I. F. Stone

I marvel at the resilience of the Jewish people.
Their best characteristic is their desire to remember.
No other people has such an obsession with memory.
- Elie Wiesel

November is Jewish book month, so Jewish Community
Centers all around the country have book fairs where
they invite authors and sell books in advance of the holidays.
- Anita Diament

People always think I'm Jewish and changed my last name from Rabinowitz.
- Nathan Lane

My mother should have been Jewish.
She could have taught a class on how to induce guilt.
- Lorna Luft

The disappearance of the Jewish state will not mean
the disappearance of anti-Semitism.
- Jack Schwartz

We have our own values; we build our own special,
our JEWISH life - and we are proud, so very proud.
- Meir Kahane


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