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Let these funny Idiot Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
- John Lennon
Suppose you were an idiot,
and suppose you were a member of Congress;
but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
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I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton
Important ideas can come from unexpected places.
We tend to label people - Genius, Idiot,
Socialist, Regressive, Wingnut, Revolutionary, Terrorist.
But it is helpful to remind ourselves to be open
to good ideas - whatever their source.
It is equally important to avoid accepting any idea
merely because we respect that person's
other ideas or accomplishments.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
What would be the use of immortality to a person
who cannot use well a half an hour.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill
Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal.
As spirits they belong to the eternal world,
but as animals they inhabit time.
- C. S. Lewis
A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
- Anonymous
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.
- Jewel
The wish for healing has always been half of health.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
A friendship will be young after the lapse of half a century;
a passion is old at the end of three months.
- Madame Swetchine
Half of everything you were ever taught is wrong;
the question is which half.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
How you respond to the challenge in the second half
will determine what you become after the game,
whether you are a winner or a loser.
- Lou Holtz
This communicating of a man's self to his friend
works two contrary effects;
for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half.
- Francis Bacon
Words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the soul within.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson
I can think of nothing more boring for the American people
than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour
looking at my face on their television screens.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin
Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
Shrinking away from death
is something unhealthy and abnormal -
which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
- Carl Jung
It is incumbent on every generation
to pay its own debts as it goes.
A principle which if acted on would
save one-half the wars of the world.
- Thomas Jefferson
I live in my own place -
have never copied anyone even half,
and at any master who lacks the grace -
to laugh at himself - I laugh.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Knowledge is soon changed, then lost in the mist, an echo half-heard.
- Gene Wolfe
Confidence is half of victory.
- Yiddish Proverb
Stand up to your obstacles
and do something about them.
You will find that they haven't
half the strength you think they have.
- Norman Vincent Peale
If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day,
he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer.
But if he spends his days as a speculator,
shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time,
he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen.
- Henry David Thoreau
We should not pretend to understand
the world only by the intellect;
we apprehend it just as much by feeling.
Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is,
at best, only the half of truth, and must, if it be honest,
also come to an understanding of its inadequacy.
- Carl Jung
Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking.
There is an almost universal quest
for easy answers and half-baked solutions.
Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Most people think that anger is an instinctive response,
and that some people were just born with the temperament
to get angrier faster than others.
That statement is only half right.
Anger is an instinctive response.
We respond to an affront with anger essentially instantaneously -
much too quickly for conscious thought to be called upon.
But the instinct of the anger response
can be trained through conscious repetition,
visualization, and coaching.
Visualization is seeing the event
we desire to master in our mind's eye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One ought never to turn one's back
on a threatened danger and try to run away from it.
If you do that, you will double the danger.
But if you meet it promptly and without flinching,
you will reduce the danger by half.
Never run away from anything. Never!
- Winston Churchill
I have treated many hundreds of patients.
Among those in the second half of life -
that is to say, over 35 -
there has not been one whose problem in the last resort
was not that of finding a religious outlook on life.
- Carl Jung
The marvelous richness of human experience
would lose something of rewarding joy
if there were no limitations to overcome.
The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful
if there were no dark valleys to traverse.
- Helen Keller
Most of us seldom let the outrageous
part of ourselves out to play.
Notice that I didn't say "never," I said "seldom."
Halloween is one of those exceptions.
While there are certainly many "bah humbug" houses on our street,
more than half the houses wear an acknowledgement of Halloween -
and nothing about Halloween is NOT outrageous.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,
when he fell into the hands of robbers.
They stripped him of his clothes, beat him
and went away, leaving him half dead.
A priest happened to be going down the same road,
and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
So too, a Levite [religious leader],
when he came to the place and saw him,
passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan [Samaritans and Jews generally disliked
and were suspicious of each other] came where the man was;
and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
He went to him and bandaged his wounds ... and ...
took him to an inn and took care of him. ...
Jesus [said] "Go and do likewise."
- Luke 10:25-37 (The Parable of the Good Samaritan)
On His Blindness:
When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest He returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts. Who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait.
- John Milton (1608-1674)
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people
by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
Always do the right thing.
It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Join the army. Visit strange and exotic places.
Meet fascinating people. And kill them.
- Anonymous
Unless they share our opinions,
we seldom find people sensible.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
People living their lives for you on TV;
They say they're better than you, and you agree.
- Jewel
Might I perhaps win my wings?
I've been waiting for over 200 years now, sir,
and people ARE beginning to talk.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.