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Let these funny Hayes Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes
I am one with the power and wisdom of the Universe.
I have all that I need.
- Louise L. Hay
Love is the great miracle cure.
Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
- Louise L. Hay
See God in every person, place, and thing,
and all will be well in your world.
- Louise L. Hay
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Every thought we think is creating our future.
- Louise L. Hay
Every thought you think
and every word you speak
is affirming something.
- Louise L. Hay
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll
I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.