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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Half Quotes
Funny Quotes about Half

Let these funny Half Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr


 

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin


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What would be the use of immortality to a person
who cannot use well a half an hour.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.
- Jewel

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
- Anonymous

The wish for healing has always been half of health.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal.
As spirits they belong to the eternal world,
but as animals they inhabit time.
- C. S. Lewis

A prudent question is one-half of wisdom.
- Francis Bacon

Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin

I live in my own place -
have never copied anyone even half,
and at any master who lacks the grace -
to laugh at himself - I laugh.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

It is incumbent on every generation
to pay its own debts as it goes.
A principle which if acted on would
save one-half the wars of the world.
- Thomas Jefferson

Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

This communicating of a man's self to his friend
works two contrary effects;
for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half.
- Francis Bacon

How you respond to the challenge in the second half
will determine what you become after the game,
whether you are a winner or a loser.
- Lou Holtz

Rome has not seen a modern building in more than half a century.
It is a city frozen in time.
- Richard Meier

Life is half spent before we know what it is.
- George Herbert

I started on an Apple II, which I had bought at the
very end of 1978 for half of my annual income.
I made $4,500 a year, and I spent half of it on the computer.
- Bill Budge

Knowledge is only one half.
Faith is the other.
- Novalis

America is the best half-educated country in the world.
- Nicholas M. Butler

A lie can travel half way around the world while the
truth is putting on its shoes.
- Charles Spurgeon

Half of everything you were ever taught is wrong;
the question is which half.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the soul within.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people
than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour
looking at my face on their television screens.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Stand up to your obstacles
and do something about them.
You will find that they haven't
half the strength you think they have.
- Norman Vincent Peale

About half my designs are controlled fantasy,
15 percent are total madness and the rest are bread-and-butter designs.
- Manolo Blahnik

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window,
except that the birds might eat them.
- Martin Henry Fischer

I used to want to be a lawyer, but I didn't want to
have half my brain sucked out.
- Max Walker

I don't know why people question the academic training of an athlete.
Fifty percent of the doctors in this country graduated
in the bottom half of their classes.
- Al McGuire

Success to me is having ten honeydew melons and eating
only the top half of each slice.
- Barbra Streisand

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck

Half of the American people have never read a newspaper.
Half never voted for President.
One hopes it is the same half.
- Gore Vidal

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than
half of the people are right more than half of the time.
- E. B. White

Confidence is half of victory.
- Yiddish Proverb

A painting that is well composed is half finished.
- Pierre Bonnard

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars,
would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.
- Bette Davis

A friendship will be young after the lapse of half a century;
a passion is old at the end of three months.
- Madame Swetchine

Knowledge is soon changed, then lost in the mist, an echo half-heard.
- Gene Wolfe

Shrinking away from death
is something unhealthy and abnormal -
which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
- Carl Jung

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you
don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
- Flip Wilson

I tell people I'm too stupid to know what's impossible.
I have ridiculously large dreams, and half the time they come true.
- Debi Thomas

A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible
as an argument than a whole one.
It carries better.
- Stephen Leacock

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
- Yogi Berra

Most people think that anger is an instinctive response,
and that some people were just born with the temperament
to get angrier faster than others.
That statement is only half right.
Anger is an instinctive response.
We respond to an affront with anger essentially instantaneously -
much too quickly for conscious thought to be called upon.
But the instinct of the anger response
can be trained through conscious repetition,
visualization, and coaching.
Visualization is seeing the event
we desire to master in our mind's eye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today, if you look at financial systems around the globe,
more than half the population of the world -
out of six billion people,
more than three billion - do not qualify to take out a loan from a bank.
This is a shame.
- Muhammad Yunus

I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down.
That's the thing about girls.
Every time they do something pretty...
you fall half in love with them, and then you never
know where the hell you are.
- J. D. Salinger

One ought never to turn one's back
on a threatened danger and try to run away from it.
If you do that, you will double the danger.
But if you meet it promptly and without flinching,
you will reduce the danger by half.
Never run away from anything. Never!
- Winston Churchill

If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day,
he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer.
But if he spends his days as a speculator,
shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time,
he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen.
- Henry David Thoreau

We should not pretend to understand
the world only by the intellect;
we apprehend it just as much by feeling.
Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is,
at best, only the half of truth, and must, if it be honest,
also come to an understanding of its inadequacy.
- Carl Jung

I have treated many hundreds of patients.
Among those in the second half of life -
that is to say, over 35 -
there has not been one whose problem in the last resort
was not that of finding a religious outlook on life.
- Carl Jung

For much of the female half of the world,
food is the first signal of our inferiority.
It lets us know that our own families may consider
female bodies to be less deserving,
less needy, less valuable.
- Gloria Steinem

People try to live within their income so they can
afford to pay taxes to a government that can't live within its income.
- Robert Half

The marvelous richness of human experience
would lose something of rewarding joy
if there were no limitations to overcome.
The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful
if there were no dark valleys to traverse.
- Helen Keller

Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking.
There is an almost universal quest
for easy answers and half-baked solutions.
Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Big companies are like marching bands.
Even if half the band is playing random notes,
it still sounds kind of like music.
The concealment of failure is built into them.
- Doug Coupland

I've never been more in love with anyone nearly half my age than I am today.
I'd get married in a minute if I weren't still married to somebody else.
- Rod Stewart

It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being
subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain
in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen.
- Herodotus

Almost half of all Latinas currently on Social Security
rely exclusively on their benefit check in retirement.
- Grace Napolitano

I hope there are some who will brave ridicule for the
sake of common justice to half the people in the world.
- Barbara Leigh Smith Bodichon

Literature flourishes best when it is half a trade and half an art.
- William Ralph Inge

Sylvia Plath was just a month and a half older than I,
and when she committed suicide I was only 30 -
and very shocked and sorry.
I never knew her personally.
- Anne Stevenson

We were happily married for eight months.
Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
- Nick Faldo

Over half a billion dollars a day is being spent by FEMA.
- Thad Cochran


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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