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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Funnier Quotes
Funny Quotes about Funnier

Let these funny Funnier Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner


 

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous


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The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
- said by Donkey in the movie Shrek 2

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea;
but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- the movie A Streetcar Named Desire

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

Confucius might have said:
Once frightened, twice smelly in armpit.
- Anonymous humor

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

I've always believed that if done properly,
armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- the movie Thelma & Louise

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

The world's mental.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

I got a perfect build for clothes.
I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
- the movie Love and Death

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch

Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


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