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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Fifty Quotes
Funny Quotes about Fifty

Let these funny Fifty Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
- Elbert Hubbard

A man who views the world the same at fifty
as he did at twenty
has wasted thirty years of his life.
- Muhammad Ali

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule,
where fifty-one percent of the people
may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.
- attributed to Thomas Jefferson

If the present Congress errs in too much talking,
how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people
send one hundred and fifty lawyers,
whose trade it is to question everything,
yield nothing, and talk by the hour?
- Thomas Jefferson


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I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)


 

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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