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Let these funny Employment Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson
A doctor can bury his mistakes
but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
The physician can bury his mistakes,
but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines -
so they should go as far as possible from home
to build their first buildings.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
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In every society some men are born to rule,
and some to advise.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole.
- John F. Kennedy
I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson
Politics is almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.
In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.
- Winston Churchill
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain
Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up
in our politics and say definite things which mean something,
or whether we shall always go on using generalities
to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed
(and hence clamorous to be led to safety)
by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins,
all of them imaginary.
- H. L. Mencken
Politics is not a game. It is an earnest business.
- Winston Churchill
I'm always rather nervous about how you talk
about women who are active in politics,
whether they want to be talked about as women or as politicians.
- John F. Kennedy
In war, you can only be killed once,
but in politics, many times.
- Winston Churchill
When you are in any contest,
you should work as if there were -
to the very last minute - a chance to lose it.
This is battle, this is politics, this is anything.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics
do not know what religion is.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Politics is a profession; a serious, complicated and,
in its true sense, a noble one.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Politics are very much like war.
We may even have to use poison gas at times.
- Winston Churchill
I am never going to have anything more to do
with politics or politicians.
When this war is over I shall confine myself entirely
to writing and painting.
- Winston Churchill
War is the ultimate tool of politics.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
I was losing interest in politics,
when the repeal of the Missouri Compromise aroused me again.
What I have done since then is pretty well known.
- Abraham Lincoln
Politics ought to be the part-time profession of every citizen
who would protect the rights and privileges of free people
and who would preserve what is
good and fruitful in our national heritage.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Politics is for the present, but an equation is for eternity.
- Albert Einstein
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston
Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
Life is like a roller coaster - scream Whee... on the way down,
and let the momentum carry you back up the next hill.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous
Technological progress is like an axe
in the hands of a pathological criminal.
- Albert Einstein
Chanting OM is sort of like MOOing backward.
- Anonymous
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
I have spent many years of my life in opposition,
and I rather like the role.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
When life is like a slippery downhill slope,
go skiing and scream Whee... all the way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
His answer trickled through my head like water through a sieve.
- Lewis Carroll
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
There is so much that must be done
in a civilized barbarism like war.
- Amelia Earhart
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.