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Let these funny Cynic Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
The believer's ray of light is the cynic's sunburn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
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The problems of the world cannot possibly
be solved by skeptics or cynics
whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities.
We need men who can dream of things that never were.
- John F. Kennedy
Modern cynics and skeptics... see no harm in paying those
to whom they entrust the minds of their children
a smaller wage than is paid to those to whom
they entrust the care of their plumbing.
- John F. Kennedy
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty
The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
I didn't make it all the way through third grade for nothing.
- the movie The Rescuers Down Under
This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
I believe in equality for everyone,
except reporters and photographers.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.