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Let these funny Court Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Reverence for life is the highest court of appeal.
- Albert Schweitzer
There is a higher court than courts of justice
and that is the court of conscience.
It supersedes all other courts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
There is no person in this room whose basic rights
are not involved in any successful defiance
to the carrying out of court orders.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person.
We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature;
what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training.
We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own;
they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
All that is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable
or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden
by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam
or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been
so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed.
And as for me, all that I think about in this plodding sad pilgrimage,
this pathetic drift between the eternities,
is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me:
the rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
- Mark Twain in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
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Every kind of peaceful cooperation among men
is primarily based on mutual trust
and only secondarily on institutions
such as courts of justice and police.
- Albert Einstein
I deplore the need or the use of troops anywhere
to get American citizens to obey
the orders of constituted courts.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
We the people are the rightful masters
of both Congress and the courts,
not to overthrow the Constitution
but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.
- Abraham Lincoln
True justice is not a matter of courts and law books,
but of a commitment in each of us to liberty and mutual respect.
- Jimmy Carter
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.