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Let these funny Contributes Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver.
The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver,
the less he demands in slaughter.
- Winston Churchill
It is not what we get.
But who we become, what we contribute...
that gives meaning to our lives.
- Tony Robbins
Life is unlimited - it expands with the generosity,
compassion, inventiveness, and service that you contribute.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The abundance of life is unlimited -
it expands with the generosity, compassion,
inventiveness, and service that you contribute.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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My world expands with the generosity, compassion,
inventiveness, and service that I contribute.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
For some of us, the world appears to provide
only a fixed quantity of each resource -
a limited amount of food, of money,
of love, of success, of appreciation.
For others, life is unlimited.
Their world expands with the generosity, compassion,
inventiveness, and service that they contribute.
In this world-view, money that is spent
or given away returns multiplied.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Self-honor (self-respect) is in no way selfish.
Before I can give to others,
I must have something to give.
Only by first creating
my own self-esteem and happiness,
do I possess the resources to
contribute anything meaningful to others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is unlimited.
Your world expands with the generosity, compassion,
inventiveness, and service that you contribute.
Money that is spent or given away returns multiplied.
The more love that is given, the more love returns.
The more a helping hand is given, the more hands
are strengthened and empowered to help.
We can help each other to all be winners.
We can all have food, and jobs, and love, and happiness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person.
We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature;
what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training.
We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own;
they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
All that is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable
or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden
by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam
or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been
so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed.
And as for me, all that I think about in this plodding sad pilgrimage,
this pathetic drift between the eternities,
is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me:
the rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
- Mark Twain in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
I think one of the finest gifts I can give
my friends in the holiday season is to pause
with a long enough quality to actually SEE them.
My calm, unhurried presence communicates
this gift of a message, "I see you. I recognize you.
I remember our times of together
and am contributing right now to another quality memory.
I value you and honor and take the time,
right this moment to pause long enough to truly notice you."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
What you leave behind is not what
is engraved in stone monuments,
but what is woven into the lives of others.
- Pericles
A person acting from a motivation
of contribution and service
rises to such a level of moral authority
that worldly success is a natural result.
- Marianne Williamson
Only those who have learned the power
of sincere and selfless contribution
experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment.
- Tony Robbins
When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The practice of forgiveness is our most important
contribution to the healing of the world.
- Marianne Williamson
It's not in the DOing, it's in the BEing.
Whatever you do or don't do in your lifetime,
your greatest contribution
to current and future generations
will be the happiness and joy
you generated and radiated to those around you.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Whatever you do or don't do in your lifetime,
your best contribution to those around you
and to future generations
will be in the happiness and joy
you generated and radiated to those around you.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.