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Let these funny Buy Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
Money can't buy friends
but it can get you a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain
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Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
A great democracy does not make it harder to vote than to buy an assault weapon.
- William J. Clinton
If you want to feel rich,
just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
- Anonymous
Money is not required to buy one necessity of the soul.
- Henry David Thoreau
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition.
- Rumi
We need less posturing and more genuine charisma.
Charisma was originally a religious term,
meaning "of the spirit" or "inspired."
It's about letting God's light shine through us.
It's about a sparkle in people that money can't buy.
It's an invisible energy with visible effects.
To let go, to just love, is not to fade into the wallpaper.
Quite the contrary, it's when we truly become bright.
We're letting our own light shine.
- Marianne Williamson
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
- William J. Clinton
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo,
but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you
when the limo breaks down.
- Oprah Winfrey
The physician can bury his mistakes,
but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines -
so they should go as far as possible from home
to build their first buildings.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A doctor can bury his mistakes
but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Every man should have a fair-sized cemetery
in which to bury the faults of his friends.
- Henry Brooks Adams
Do what you love.
Know your own bone;
gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it,
and gnaw it still.
- Henry David Thoreau
Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquility.
- Khalil Gibran
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
What If Every Day Were Your Day -
Celebrate Whimsey Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
- Judith Martin
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Life's a bitch... and then you change your attitude.
- Jennifer Unlimited
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
As the evening beckons with the promise of tomorrow...
may your gratitude rise up and with strength answer, "yes."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
Until you've lost your reputation,
you never realize what a burden it was.
- Margaret Mitchell
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White
Don't underestimate your abilities,
that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
This is your day to Laugh at Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
God Loves an Open Mind, Clean Hands, and a Loving Heart.
So does Your Mother.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.