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Let these funny Basically Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death
All religions are the same:
Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
- Cathy Ladman
All major religious traditions
carry basically the same message,
that is love, compassion and forgiveness.
The important thing is they should
be part of our daily lives.
- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
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Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students,
and turns them into prunes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
One of the annoying things about believing in free will
and individual responsibility is the difficulty
of finding somebody to blame your problems on.
And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable
how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
- P. J. O'Rourke
The world turns aside to let any man pass
who knows where he is going.
- Epictetus
Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him.
- Albert Schweitzer
A man who as a physical being
is always turned toward the outside,
thinking that his happiness lies outside him,
finally turns inward and
discovers that the source is within him.
- Soren Kierkegaard
The success of love is in the loving -
it is not in the result of loving.
Of course it is natural in love
to want the best for the other person,
but whether it turns out that way or not
does not determine the value of what we have done.
- Mother Teresa
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast,
a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow.
- Melody Beattie
At the beginning of a relationship
we are attracted to the other person because
we think they are sexy, smart, funny -
whatever it is that we find appealing.
But very quickly, the focus of the relationship
turns to whether we feel appreciated.
If we don't feel appreciated, we don't feel loved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.