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Let these funny Autumn Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
We cling to our own point of view,
as though everything depended on it.
Yet our opinions have no permanence;
like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away.
- Zhuangzi
The sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent
will not pass until there is
an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
When you are reluctant to change,
think of the beauty of autumn.
- V. B. Brown
I Did Not Die
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain,
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
- Anonymous
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I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn.
- Traditional Native American Prayer
When one has nothing to lose, one becomes courageous.
We are timid only when
there is something we can still cling to.
- Carlos Castaneda
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.