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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny After Quotes
Funny Quotes about After

Let these funny After Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

To know God, watch a butterfly return to the same tree -
after a year and a thousand miles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography
until after they're dead.
- Samuel Goldwyn

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)


 

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen


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A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

I always avoid prophesying beforehand,
because it is a much better policy to prophesy
after the event has already taken place.
- Winston Churchill

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely
only after they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

Thinking is what most people resort to after all else fails.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

That married couples can live together day after day
is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
- Bill Cosby

Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

After the first blush of sin, comes its indifference.
- Henry David Thoreau

Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite
smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol
before, after and if need be during all meals
and in the intervals between them.
- Winston Churchill

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare

Youth, large, lusty, loving -
Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.
Do you know that Old Age may come after you
with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman

Naturally, the common people don't want war ...
but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy,
and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along,
whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought
to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism
and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in every country.
- Hermann Goering

It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
to reconcile himself to the idea that
after all God will not help him
- H. L. Mencken

Measures must always, in a progressive society,
be held superior to men, who are after all,
imperfect instruments, working for their fulfillment.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

It is only after years of preparation that the young
artist should touch color -
not color used descriptively,
that is, but as a means of personal expression.
- Henri Matisse

My buildings will be my legacy...
they will speak for me long after I'm gone.
- Julia Morgan

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him.
After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
- Marilyn Monroe

If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face,
you should go home and examine your conscience.
- Woodrow Wilson

A person cannot love a plant after he has pruned it,
then he has either done a poor job or is devoid of emotion.
- Liberty Hyde Bailey

When people speak to you about a preventive war,
you tell them to go fight it.
After my experience, I have come to hate war.
War settles nothing.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

My biggest dream is that my words will inspire heart,
hope and personal responsibility in people around the globe
long after my feet in these shoes aren't walking the planet.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

A nation that continues year after year
to spend more money on military defense
than on programs of social uplift
is approaching spiritual doom.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel
as free to delight in whatever remains to them?
- Rose Kennedy

All my life I knew that there was all the money you could want out there.
All you have to do is go after it.
- Curtis Carlson

A husband is what is left of a lover,
after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland

What is a scientist after all? It is a curious man
looking through a keyhole,
the keyhole of nature, trying to know what's going on.
- Jacques Yves Cousteau

After much prayerful consideration, I feel that I must
say I have climbed my last political mountain.
- George C. Wallace

It's a huge change for your body.
You don't even want to look in the mirror after you've had a baby,
because your stomach is just hanging there like a Shar-Pei.
- Cindy Crawford

My father was not a failure.
After all, he was the father of a president of the United States.
- Harry S. Truman

For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens
to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.
- Doug Larson

My hope is that 10 years from now, after I've been
across the street at work for a while,
they'll all be glad they gave me that wonderful vote.
- Sandra Day O'Connor

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees,
then names the streets after them.
- Bill Vaughan

I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in,
and going after your dreams.
- Madonna Ciccone

Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face.
- Albert Camus

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing
the inexpressible is music.
- Aldous Huxley

Technology is a gift of God.
After the gift of life it is perhaps the greatest of God's gifts.
It is the mother of civilizations, of arts and of sciences.
- Freeman Dyson

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
- Bette Midler

When I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb.
After a while when I got to be 21, I was amazed to
find out how much he'd learned in three years.
- Frank Butler

You can not find happiness by chasing after it.
Happiness comes from doing what you love to do,
and from being who you truly are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from
the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the
achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.
- Theodore Isaac Rubin

It is a common experience that a problem difficult
at night is resolved in the morning after the committee
of sleep has worked on it.
- John Steinbeck

Education is what remains after one has forgotten
what one has learned in school.
- Albert Einstein

Many men go fishing all of their lives
without knowing that it is not fish they are after.
- Henry David Thoreau

Success seems to be largely a matter
of hanging on after others have let go.
- William Feather

Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek.
- Dan Rather

Something as curious as the monarchy won't survive
unless you take account of people's attitudes.
After all, if people don't want it, they won't have it.
- Prince Charles

One's own religion is after all
a matter between oneself
and one's Maker and no one else's.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

After you're older, two things are possibly more important than any others:
health and money.
- Helen Gurley Brown

Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.
- Henry Ward Beecher

Children, even infants, are capable of sympathy.
But only after adolescence are we capable of compassion.
- Louise J. Kaplan

Money is always there but the pockets change;
it is not in the same pockets after a change,
and that is all there is to say about money.
- Gertrude Stein

You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them.
- Harrison Ford

Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth,
and if a man does not know what a thing is,
it is at least an increase in knowledge
if he knows what it is not.
- Carl Jung

One will never again look at a birch tree,
after the Robert Frost poem, in exactly the same way.
- Paul Muldoon


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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