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Let these funny Accurate Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Simply put, you believe that things
or people make you unhappy,
but this is not accurate.
You make yourself unhappy.
- Wayne Dyer
One accurate measurement is worth a thousand expert opinions.
- Grace Hopper
I was brought up to believe that the only thing worth doing
was to add to the sum of accurate information in the world.
- Margaret Mead
The "stories" we choose to tell about our past
are never what a video camera would have recorded.
We can tell a sad story or a happy story,
and neither story is either
more accurate or "better" than the other story.
The difference is that one story causes us to suffer,
while the other brings us joy. I choose joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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Quotations are slippery things, really.
A brief sentence or phrase, often repeated -
always completely out of its original context -
and sometimes not an accurate representation
of the author's original words, let alone his intentions.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
While most managers spend their time attempting
to predict the future accurately -
and while that's valuable -
the best managers are able to generate a future
which was not going to happen otherwise -
that is, a future which was not predictable.
- Werner Erhard
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)
Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.