Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | Links | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

President Bush has said that he does not need ...
by David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war,
and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval
of the American voters to become president,
either.
- David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey -
apparently,
three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
- David Letterman


 

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein.
I don't know anything about explosives,
but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive.
They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live.
You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
- David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours,
we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
- David Letterman


Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.

 Subscribe in a reader -- or
Enter your email address:




Delivered by FeedBurner


It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor.
At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
- David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.
- David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time.
You spring forward, then you fall back.
It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
- David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize
when to pull the trigger.
- David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're
changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- David Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
supports the ban on gay marriages.
I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
- David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along.
Not true.
I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab.
One guy took the tires and the radio;
the other guy took the engine.
- David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
- David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind.
Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early -
is it just me,
or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
- David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense.
But this transition is going to be tough because it's
been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
- David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen,
see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen -
he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter.
It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
- David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings.
You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
- David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those
who knew that they were wrong.
- David Letterman

There's no business like show business,
but there are several businesses like accounting.
- David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body
builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons.
That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb.
Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
- David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq.
The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
- David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the
number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised.
Boy, is my face red.
- David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again.
He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.'
Yeah,
that's always the sign of a man in good health,
isn't it?
- David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger.
Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
- David Letterman

New York...
when civilization falls apart, remember,
we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy.
But Clinton now is working very hard.
He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese.
And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
- David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before
they actually consider Iraq a threat.
For example, France wants more evidence.
And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted
more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
- David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous.
It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties.
The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather
and thought it was spring,
so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
- David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead.
He's dead, then he's alive, then dead,
then alive.
It's just confusing.
Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
- David Letterman

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy

Some years ago I became president of Columbia University
and learned within 24 hours to be ready
to speak at the drop of a hat,
and I learned something more, the trustees were expected
to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically,
by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
- Gore Vidal

We must make it clear that a platform
of "I hate gay men and women'
is not a way to become president of the United States.
- Jimmy Carter

You must pursue this investigation of Watergate even
if it leads to the president.
I'm innocent.
You've got to believe I'm innocent.
If you don't, take my job.
- Richard M. Nixon

The Marine Corps is the Navy's police force and as
long as I am President that is what it will remain.
They have a propaganda machine that is almost equal to Stalin's.
- Harry S. Truman

You know, everybody makes mistakes when they are president.
- William J. Clinton

I look forward to these confrontations with the press
to kind of balance up the nice and pleasant things
that come to me as president.
- Jimmy Carter

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft.
Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
- Will Rogers

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm.
There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.
- Lyndon B. Johnson

If anyone is crazy enough to want to kill
a president of the United States, he can do it.
All he must be prepared to do is give his life for the president's.
- John F. Kennedy

I think there is one higher office than president and
I would call that patriot.
- Gary Hart

Any man who wants to be president
is either an egomaniac or crazy.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

You may think the president is all-powerful,
but he is not.
He needs a lot of guidance from the Lord.
- Barbara Bush

I am not the Catholic candidate for President.
I am the Democratic Party's candidate for President,
who happens also to be a Catholic.
- John F. Kennedy

I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected President
but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power.
- Arthur C. Clarke

All the president is, is a glorified public relations
man who spends his time flattering,
kissing, and kicking people to get them to do what
they are supposed to do anyway.
- Harry S. Truman

I haven't eaten at a McDonald's since I became President.
- William J. Clinton

A knowledgeable and courageous U.S.
president could help enormously in leading the world's
nations toward saving the climate.
- Donella Meadows

People make a big fuss over you when you're President.
But I'm very serious about doing everything I can
to make sure that it doesn't go to my head.
- Jimmy Carter

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow

Campaign behavior for wives:
Always be on time.
Do as little talking as humanly possible.
Lean back in the parade car
so everybody can see the president.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I think this is the most extraordinary
collection of talent, of human knowledge,
that has ever been gathered at the White House -
with the possible exception of
when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.
- John F. Kennedy

Well, when you come down to it,
I don't see that a reporter could do much to a president, do you?
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Frankly, I don't mind not being President.
I just mind that someone else is.
- Edward Kennedy

In my country we go to prison first, and then become President.
- Nelson Mandela

Oh, that lovely title, ex-president.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River,
the headline that afternoon would read:
"President Can't Swim."
- Lyndon B. Johnson

My father was not a failure.
After all, he was the father of a president of the United States.
- Harry S. Truman

Half of the American people have never read a newspaper.
Half never voted for President.
One hopes it is the same half.
- Gore Vidal

If you don't like the President, it costs you 90 bucks
to fly to Washington to picket.
If you don't like the Governor, it costs you 60 bucks
to fly to Albany to picket.
If you don't like me, 90 cents.
- Edward Koch

The United States brags about its political system,
but the President says one thing during the election,
something else when he takes office,
something else at midterm and something else when he leaves.
- Deng Xiaoping

Allow the president to invade a neighboring nation,
whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion,
and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose
to say he deems it necessary for such a purpose -
and you allow him to make war at pleasure.
- Abraham Lincoln


Thank you for visiting: President Bush has said that he does not need ... by David Letterman.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.