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It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
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I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better
by all parties to leave the past to history,
especially as I propose to write that history myself.
- Winston Churchill
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson
I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
I believe in equality for everyone,
except reporters and photographers.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)
Don't expect me to get excited over
another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- the movie Libeled Lady (1936)
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refuse to be English.
- Winston Churchill
This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle.
It's merely waiting to be reupholstered.
- the movie Casino Royale (1966)
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- the movie The Little Mermaid (1989)
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope
The time-traveling is just too dangerous.
Better that I devote myself to study
the other great mystery of the universe - women!
- the movie Back to the Future II
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.