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Let these funny William J. Clinton Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
A lot of presidential memoirs, they say, are dull and self-serving.
I hope mine is interesting and self-serving.
- William J. Clinton
You know, everybody makes mistakes when they are president.
- William J. Clinton
A great democracy does not make it harder to vote than to buy an assault weapon.
- William J. Clinton
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There is nothing wrong with America
that cannot be cured with what is right in America.
- William J. Clinton
Let me say this as clearly as I can:
No matter how sharp a grievance or how deep a hurt,
there is no justification for killing innocents.
- William J. Clinton
Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think,
and that's the time when they most need to think.
- William J. Clinton
Strength and wisdom are not opposing values.
- William J. Clinton
Let us all take more responsibility,
not only for ourselves and our families, but
for our communities and our country.
- William J. Clinton
You are the most powerful cultural force in the world.
- William J. Clinton
We must teach our children to resolve
their conflicts with words, not weapons.
- William J. Clinton
When we make college more affordable,
we make the American dream more achievable.
- William J. Clinton
In today's knowledge-based economy,
what you earn depends on what you learn.
- William J. Clinton
When I took office, only high energy physicists
had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web...
Now even my cat has its own page.
- William J. Clinton
Part of our essential humanity is paying respect to what God gave us
and what will be here a long time after we're gone.
- William J. Clinton
Nothing big ever came from being small.
- William J. Clinton
In the new economy, information, education,
and motivation are everything.
- William J. Clinton
I like the job. That's what I'll miss the most...
I'm not sure anybody ever liked this as much as I've liked it.
- William J. Clinton
The new rage is to say that the government
is the cause of all our problems,
and if only we had no government, we'd have no problems.
I can tell you, that contradicts
evidence, history, and common sense.
- William J. Clinton
We should not let our response to
the people who disagree with us
be dictated by what they say about us
or even how they treat people we care for.
There has to be a chance that we can find love.
- William J. Clinton
America and Israel share a special bond.
Our relationship is unique among all nations.
Like America, Israel is a strong democracy,
a symbol of freedom, and an oasis of liberty,
a home to the oppressed and persecuted.
- William J. Clinton
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
- William J. Clinton
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner 
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.