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Steve Jobs Quotes
Funny Quotes by Steve Jobs

Let these funny Steve Jobs Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

Be a yardstick of quality.
Some people aren't used to an environment
where excellence is expected.
- Steve Jobs

Don't be trapped by dogma -
which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other's opinions
drown out your own inner voice.
- Steve Jobs

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition -
they somehow already know what you truly want to become.
- Steve Jobs

Your time is limited,
so don't waste it living someone else's life.
- Steve Jobs


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Steve Jobs' Three Rules of Life ...
1. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
2. Don't be trapped by dogma -
which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice.
3. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition -
they somehow already know what you truly want to become.
- Steve Jobs

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Don't be trapped by dogma -
which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of others' opinions
drown out your own inner voice.
And most important, have the courage
to follow your heart and intuition.
They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
Everything else is secondary.
- Steve Jobs

I have one yardstick by which I test every major problem -
and that yardstick is: Is it good for America?
- Dwight D. Eisenhower


 

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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