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Simon Birch Quotes
Funny Quotes by Simon Birch

Let these funny Simon Birch Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch

What does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
- the movie Simon Birch (1998)

Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with..
- the movie Simon Birch


 

When someone you love dies,
you don't lose them all at once.
You lose them in pieces over time
- the movie Simon Birch

Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with.
It responds like a snail to our impatience,
then it races like a gazelle when you can't catch a breath.
- the movie Simon Birch

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO


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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you
hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch
too many of them together.
- Josh Billings

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.