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Let these funny Quentin Crisp Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple:
you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities
but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- Quentin Crisp
Every formula of every religion has, in this age of reason,
to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Formula to live your dream:
1. Be bold. 2. Begin now, 3. No exceptions.
- William James
Success has a simple formula:
do your best, and people may like it.
- Sam Ewing
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Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde 
Anyone who can worship a trinity
and insist that his religion is a monotheism
can believe anything.
- Robert A Heinlein
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
I don't doubt God. I have firm faith absolutely in God.
It's religion I'm doubting.
- Bono
Almost any sect, cult, or religion will
legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power.
- Robert A. Heinlein
It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment
can be regarded as ethical
or should be regarded as merely cowardly.
- Margaret Mead
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Puritanism. The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid
The Christian missionary may preach the gospel
to the poor naked heathen,
but the spiritual heathen who populate Europe
have as yet heard nothing of Christianity.
- Carl Jung
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
- John Lennon
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
In every country and every age,
the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
The invisible and nonexistent look much alike.
- Delos B. McKown
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
True believers just don't see things the way they are,
because if they did, they wouldn't be true believers anymore.
- Philip Caputo
The believer's ray of light is the cynic's sunburn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon
It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain
Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov
I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
I cannot persuade myself that a
beneficent and omnipotent God
would have designedly created parasitic wasps
with the express intention of their feeding
within the living bodies of caterpillars.
- Charles Darwin
In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain
Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi
Anyone who knows history, particularly
the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination
of education or of government
by any one particular religious faith
is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Religion is regarded by the common people as true,
by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Science without religion is lame,
religion without science is blind.
- Albert Einstein
All religions are the same:
Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
- Cathy Ladman
I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson
Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.
The several sects perform the office of a Censor -
over each other.
- Thomas Jefferson
Do not let Sunday be taken from you.
If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.
- Albert Schweitzer
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
- Mother Teresa
The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
- Stephen Roberts
This too, shall pass.
- Bible
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.