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Phyllis Diller Quotes
Funny Quotes by Phyllis Diller

Let these funny Phyllis Diller Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin


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When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.


 

I'm saving that rocker for the day
when I feel as old as I really am.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems,
in my opinion, to characterize our age.
- Albert Einstein

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing.
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In every country and every age,
the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Albert Einstein

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty, never grows old.
- Franz Kafka

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

And in the end, it's not
the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

Youth, large, lusty, loving -
Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.
Do you know that Old Age may come after you
with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman

Every formula of every religion has, in this age of reason,
to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The youth gets together his materials
to build a bridge to the moon,
or, perchance, a palace or temple on the earth,
and, at length, the middle-aged man
concludes to build a woodshed with them.
- Henry David Thoreau

He who would pass his declining years with honor and comfort,
should, when young, consider that he may one day become old,
and remember when he is old, that he has once been young.
- Joseph Addison

It is never too late to become what you might have been.
- George Eliot

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
- Helen Keller

Reading, after a certain age,
diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits.
Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little
falls into lazy habits of thinking.
- Albert Einstein

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
Mere tolerance has given place to a sentiment of brotherhood
between sincere men of all denominations.
- Helen Keller

We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason
if we dig deep in our history and remember
that we are not descended from fearful men,
not from men who feared to write, to speak,
to associate and to defend causes
which were for the moment unpopular.
- Edward R. Murrow

The golden age is before us, not behind us.
- William Shakespeare

Keep courage. Whatever you do,
do not feel sorry for yourself.
You will win in a great age of opportunity.
- Richard L. Evans

It is utterly false and cruelly arbitrary
to put all the play and learning into childhood,
all the work into middle age,
and all the regrets into old age.
- Margaret Mead

We prefer world law in the age of self-determination
to world war in the age of mass extermination.
- John F. Kennedy

At twenty years of age the will reigns;
at thirty, the wit;
and at forty, the judgment.
- Benjamin Franklin

Habits age men before their time.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is to be taken lightly
by those who wish to be happy
and by those who wish to age gracefully.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin

Dreams are renewable no matter what our age.
- Dale Turner

Naturally, every age thinks that all ages before it were prejudiced,
and today we think this more than ever, and are just as wrong
as all previous ages that thought so.
How often have we not seen the truth condemned!
It is sad but unfortunately true that man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung

Instead of being presented with stereotypes
by age, sex, color, class, or religion,
children must have the opportunity
to learn that within each range,
some people are loathsome and some are delightful.
- Margaret Mead

Every great architect is - necessarily - a great poet.
He must be a great original interpreter
of his time, his day, his age.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Each age, it is found, must write its own books;
or rather, each generation for the next succeeding.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of the greatest titles we can have is "old friend."
We never appreciate how important old friends are until we are older.
The problem is we need to start our old friendships when we are young.
We then have to nurture and grow those friendships over our middle age
when a busy life and changing geographies
can cause us to neglect those friends.
Today is the day to invest in those people
we hope will call us "old friend" in the years to come.
- Grant Fairley

Probably the happiest period in life
most frequently is in middle age,
when the eager passions of youth are cooled,
and the infirmities of age not yet begun;
as we see that the shadows,
which are at morning and evening so large,
almost entirely disappear at midday.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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