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Let these funny Oprah Winfrey Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
The more you praise and celebrate your life,
the more there is in life to celebrate.
- Oprah Winfrey
Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.
- Oprah Winfrey
The biggest adventure you can take is
to live the life of your dreams.
- Oprah Winfrey
Follow your instincts.
That's where true wisdom manifests itself.
- Oprah Winfrey
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Don't live your life to please other people.
- Oprah Winfrey
Everyone is the keeper of a dream
- Oprah Winfrey
What I know for sure is that
what you give comes back to you.
- Oprah Winfrey
Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.
If you concentrate on what you don't have,
you will never, ever have enough.
- Oprah Winfrey
Keep a grateful journal. Every night,
list five things you are grateful for.
- Oprah Winfrey
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo,
but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you
when the limo breaks down.
- Oprah Winfrey
Understand that the right to
choose your own path
is a sacred privilege.
Use it.
Dwell in possibility.
- Oprah Winfrey
You cannot hate other people without hating yourself.
- Oprah Winfrey
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.
- Oprah Winfrey
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain 
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.