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Let these funny Joseph Epstein Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
All men and women are born, live, suffer and die;
what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams,
whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things,
and what we do to make them come about.
We do not choose to be born.
We do not choose our parents.
We do not choose our historical epoch,
the country of our birth,
or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing.
We do not, most of us, choose to die;
nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death.
But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live.
- Joseph Epstein
Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
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Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek
Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.
- George Washington
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Marilyn Monroe
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau
It has always been a mystery to me
how men can feel themselves honored
by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
In every society some men are born to rule,
and some to advise.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.
- Leonardo da Vinci
The means by which we live have outdistanced
the ends for which we live.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.
We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely
only after they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban
Men have become the tools of their tools.
- Henry David Thoreau
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.
We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste
the sky as well as the earth.
- Henry David Thoreau
Force always attracts men of low morality.
- Albert Einstein
It is an interesting question how far men
would retain their relative rank
if they were divested of their clothes.
- Henry David Thoreau
My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph
is for enough good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke
Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln
While civilization has been improving our houses,
it has not equally improved
the men who are to inhabit them.
It has created palaces, but it was
not so easy to create noblemen and kings.
- Henry David Thoreau
When It's Darkest, Men See the Stars.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller
A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black
Who never walks save where he sees
men's tracks, makes no discoveries.
- J. G. Holland
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully
as when they do it from religious conviction.
- Blaise Pascal
The problems of the world cannot possibly
be solved by skeptics or cynics
whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities.
We need men who can dream of things that never were.
- John F. Kennedy
I look only to the good qualities of men.
Not being faultless myself,
I won't presume to probe into the faults of others.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau
It takes time to persuade men to do even
what is for their own good.
- Thomas Jefferson
Every kind of peaceful cooperation among men
is primarily based on mutual trust
and only secondarily on institutions
such as courts of justice and police.
- Albert Einstein
It is not work that kills men; it is worry.
Worry is rust upon the blade.
- Henry Ward Beecher
The revelation of thought takes men
out of servitude into freedom.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
- Elbert Hubbard
My heart bleeds at the death of every one of our gallant men.
- Robert E. Lee
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Men are disturbed not by things,
but by the view which they take of them.
- Epictetus
Just as a candle cannot burn without fire,
men cannot live without a spiritual life.
- The Buddha
The history of free men is never really written by chance
but by choice; their choice!
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
A nation or civilization that
continues to produce soft-minded men
purchases its own spiritual death
on the installment plan.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Good men must not obey the laws too well.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The difference between men friends and women friends
is that men tend to do things together,
women tend to just be together.
- Art Jahnke
Only free men can negotiate;
prisoners cannot enter into contracts.
Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.
- Nelson Mandela
When men destroy their old gods,
they will find new ones to take their place.
- Pearl S. Buck
There is a good ear, in some men,
that draws supplies to virtue
out of very indifferent nutriment.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wise men put their trust in ideas
and not in circumstances
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Men have a respect for scholarship and learning
greatly out of proportion to the use they commonly serve.
- Henry David Thoreau
Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
- Winston Churchill
Though force can protect in emergency,
only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation
can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature,
nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer
in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
- Helen Keller
We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason
if we dig deep in our history and remember
that we are not descended from fearful men,
not from men who feared to write, to speak,
to associate and to defend causes
which were for the moment unpopular.
- Edward R. Murrow
Women must try to do things as men have tried.
When they fail their failure must be
but a challenge to others.
- Amelia Earhart
Fourscore and seven years ago
our fathers brought forth on this continent,
a new nation, conceived in Liberty,
and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
- Abraham Lincoln
The reason why men do not obey us,
is because they see the mud at the bottom of our eye.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
As our enemies have found, we can reason like men,
so now let us show them we can fight like men also.
- Thomas Jefferson
Either war is obsolete, or men are.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
We believe that if men have the talent
to invent new machines that put men out of work,
they have the talent to put those men back to work.
- John F. Kennedy
Little do men perceive what solitude is,
and how far it extendeth.
For a crowd is not company,
and faces are but a gallery of pictures,
and talk but a tinkling cymbal,
where there is no love.
- Francis Bacon
Shallow men believe in luck.
Strong men believe in cause and effect.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is a natural aristocracy among men.
The grounds of this are virtue and talents.
- Thomas Jefferson
Men in general judge more from
appearances than from reality. All
men have eyes, but few have
the gift of penetration.
- Niccolo Machiavelli
Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste
that they hurry past it.
- Soren Kierkegaard
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.