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Let these funny Jorge Luis Borges Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben
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The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant
I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished
at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain
It doesn't matter who my father was.
It matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton
My father always used to say that when you die,
if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
- Lee Iacocca
My father considered a walk among the mountains
as the equivalent of churchgoing.
- Aldous Huxley
When a father gives to his son, both laugh;
when a son gives to his father, both cry.
- William Shakespeare
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
- William Shakespeare
Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man,
but if you're up there and you can hear me ...
show me the way... show me the way.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)
So your father, or your mother,
never thought you were good enough - SO WHAT?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The most important thing a father
can do for his children
is to love their mother.
- Henry Ward Beecher
A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon
The child in me could not die as it should have died,
because according too legends it must find its father again.
The old legends knew, perhaps, that in absence
the father becomes glorified, deified, eroticized,
and this outrage against God the Father has to be atoned for.
The human father has to be confronted and recognized as human,
as man who created a child and then, by his absence,
left the child fatherless and then Godless.
- Anais Nin
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
- said by Donkey in the movie Shrek 2
I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2
Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away.
- the movie Shrek 2
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick
Things may come to those who wait,
but only the things left by those who hustle.
- Abraham Lincoln
All our dreams can come true,
if we have the courage to pursue them.
- Walt Disney 
"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things:
of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings."
- Lewis Carroll
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
- Yogi Berra
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
In spite of unseasonable wind, snow
and unexpected weather of all sorts -
a gardener still plants.
And tends what they have planted ...
believing that Spring will come.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.
- Rabindranath Tagore
The traveler sees what he sees,
the tourist sees what he has come to see.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
The fastest way to destroy love
is to make a goal out of it,
because people who are trying to be loved
come from a place that they're not loved.
- Werner Erhard
You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.
You have to go to them sometimes.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon
The secret of making dreams come true
can be summarized in four C's.
They are Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, and Constancy;
and the greatest of these is Confidence.
- Walt Disney
Those who have come here to hate should leave now;
for in their hate, they only betray themselves.
- Terry Goodkind
Being angry is as close as a human being
can come to experiencing hell on earth.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Take the initiative - don't wait for life to come to you.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Don't ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
- Howard Thurman
From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.
- Socrates
Youth, large, lusty, loving -
Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.
Do you know that Old Age may come after you
with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people stay for awhile,
and move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to a new understanding,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never, ever the same.
- Flavia Weedn
The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
"Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
- Lewis Carroll
The WAY is Not The Way for You,
Unless You Come With an Open Mind,
Clean Hands, and a Loving Heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Have you ever hugged a tree?
Hug a tree, and one day you will come to know
that it is not only that
you have hugged the tree
but that the tree also responds,
the tree also hugs you.
- Osho
I come to life with an Open Mind,
Clean Hands, and a Loving Heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Well, when you come down to it,
I don't see that a reporter could do much to a president, do you?
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it,
people will eventually come to believe it.
- Joseph Goebbels (Minister of Propaganda in Nazi Germany)
Thoughts come clearly while one walks.
- Thomas Mann
Good things come in small packages.
- old proverb
It had long since come to my attention
that people of accomplishment
rarely sat back and let things happen to them.
They went out and happened to things.
- Leonardo da Vinci
The key to happiness is having dreams.
The key to success is making your dreams come true.
- Anonymous
Communism has never come to power in a country
that was not disrupted by war or corruption, or both.
- John F. Kennedy
Ninety-nine percent of the failures
come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
- George Washington Carver
I look forward to these confrontations with the press
to kind of balance up the nice and pleasant things
that come to me as president.
- Jimmy Carter
Eagles come in all shapes and sizes,
but you will recognize them chiefly by their attitudes.
- E. F. Schumacher
From small beginnings come great things.
- Anonymous
Without this playing with fantasy,
no creative work has ever yet come to birth.
The debt we owe to the play of
the imagination is incalculable.
- Carl Jung
Guys are like stars, there are millions of them,
but only one to make your dreams come true.
- Anonymous
Strength does not come from physical capacity.
It comes from an indomitable will.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Be an opener of doors for such as come after thee.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
We may have all come on different ships,
but we're in the same boat now.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.