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Let these funny John Paul Jones Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
We have not yet begun to fight.
- John Paul Jones
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand 
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson
The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
It's not clutter, it's my unique filing system.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.